A Little Peek

*I don't usually tell personal things and throw information about myself to strangers on internet, but I get this feeling of being misunderstood for a long time. And since I can't really express myself verbally, I tried to write about it. It's a voice of a few people that feels the same way as I do. I hope you catch the idea of the real me - not the ones people talk about. It's kinda a long post, and I really appreciate it if you give your time to read it. Enjoy!*

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I’ve been a highly sensitive person (HSP) since as long as I can recall. My mother told me I was so hard to handle as a baby. I always cried hard for a long time with extreme body movements when given some stimulations and seemed to have a huge need of affection. Back at the early days, I looked like a curious, serious thinker that can't relax most of the time and was able to speak as young as the age of 5-6months (sadly not the same about walking). I was also gifted and able to see supernatural things. Almost all HSP are introverts, because they are more likely to be overwhelmed by things that extroverts see as “usual” or “fun”. Based on this book I read, Quiet, the most researched evidence a child can be HSP is extreme crying and kicking when faced to stimulation like noises, clowns, the smell of unfamiliar things, and certain kind of lights (while extroverted babies tend to be calm and doesn’t show much reaction). HSP can be detected since infant because it’s genetics (the way your mind and body naturally responds to stimulus), not the way you were raised or your environmental effect.

Sensitivity got lost in the meaning when translated in Indonesian. It’s something common for us to say daily, like “Jangan sensi taa”, “Sensian iki”, etc. But sensitivity is not only the way you take everything so personally and get sad easily. Maybe “sentimental” is more of a right word for that description. Here is what Susan Cain wrote in her book about high-sensitivity.

When she was a girl, Aron was often told that she was “too sensitive for her own good.” She had two hardy elder siblings and was the only child in her family who liked to daydream, and play inside, and whose feelings were easily hurt. As she grew older and ventured outside her family’s orbit, she continued to notice things about herself that seemed different from the norm. She could drive alone for hours and never turn on the radio. She had strong, sometimes disturbing dreams at night. She was “strangely intense,” and often beset by powerful emotions, both positive and negative. She had trouble finding the sacred in the everyday; it seemed to be there only when she withdrew from the world.

Highly sensitive people tend to be keen observers who look before they leap. They arrange their lives in ways that limit surprises. They’re often sensitive to sights, sounds, smells, pain, coffee. They have difficulty when being observed (at work, say, or performing at a music recital) or judged for general worthiness (dating, job interviews). But there were also new insights. The highly sensitive tend to be philosophical or spiritual in their orientation, rather than materialistic or hedonistic. They dislike small talk. They often describe themselves as creative or intuitive (just as Aron’s husband had described her). They dream vividly, and can often recall their dreams the next day. They love music, nature, art, physical beauty. They feel exceptionally strong emotions— sometimes acute bouts of joy, but also sorrow, melancholy, and fear.

I found out that this description matched myself so much that it got me thinking “Wow this is so me” while reading it.

I remember getting older isolated from other kids. Around 4 years old, I was really quiet and basically always by myself on kindergarten break time. I was in my head most of the time, had imaginary friends, talked to myself more than I talked to real people. My parents were once called by my kindergarten headmistress. She caught me staring at the class window emptily and started talking to no one. She strongly suggested my parents to take me to a child psychiatrist. Around 6 years old, my sixth sense developed so much. I learned to speak more, but I was more interested with “unseen” world. I was obsessed with death, supernatural creatures and phenomenon, everything in that grey area. I began to lucid dream in this point of life. I also sleepwalked a lot.

My HSP showed a lot with my sensitivity of disappointing older people. I always tried to do the right things. My academic and attitude record in elementary school was exemplary. I was the “anak emas”, the little girl that relatives looked up to and told their kids to behave, the one that really worked on her piket schedule. I cried super easily when teachers/ parents yelled at me, I couldn’t handle getting into a fight with a friend, I couldn’t handle bad grades. Basically I couldn’t handle any tension at all.

Many of you probably wondered why you haven’t seen me cry with all the things people threw at me lately. I wanna break my limits, my boundaries. I don’t wanna grow up that fragile in this tough world. I learned to not let people see my overabundance of emotions.

I have this trick when faced with pressured situation. I escaped to a more peaceful spot and calmed myself for a while (toilet will do just fine. I told myself to hold it a little more, had a conversation in my head quickly, then got out and feeling more relaxed). If I couldn’t make the toilet escape, I will go to the quiet side of me. My face and heart will be hard, but it’s unlikely for me to say anything. I will be there, thinking, but you will not hear me.

I am also really sensitive with people’s judgement. I actually think about this a lot that I loses sleep frequently. I’m not the kind of person who will receive your harsh words then forget it the next day where we'll be hanging out and having fun (under any circumstances). When I looked at you, your words, attitude towards me, the way you look at me will played out in my head. If you hurt me, I will be scarred (not scared) for a long time and I honestly do get nightmares about you. People’s words will haunt me at some nights. And I definitely can’t spend a “fun” time with you. Simply can’t imagine the level of superficiality that go along with it.

I can’t be productive when I feel like I’m being watched and judged by people. It’s like I suddenly freeze and my mind won’t work. I can do my thing, however, if I’m working behind the scenes, away from people’s harsh eyes full of judgement.

This is also why I don’t get comfortable around most people. Most of their vibes drain my energy. I only received good vibes around a few people – which I make sure to hold so closely to me.

In my sixteen years of life, I’m happy to say that I’ve outgrown some negative things about me:

-I’ve outgrown the constant need to be completely alone and cut off from the rest of the world. I learned this thing “fake it until you make it”.  I started to become more of a social person, learned to make friends, took some activities that kept me busy. It felt overwhelming at first but I got used to it after a while. No, I don’t try and squeeze myself to become an extrovert. I actually love the introvert side of me, and there are some days when I don’t feel like going out or talking to people. I’m compromising myself, and the best gift is always going home at the end of the day. I found out that a bemo ride after a long day at school is surprisingly recharging. I enjoyed the solitary walks, waiting for my ride, and daydreaming inside the car. I got things to write and random idea or deep thoughts in bemo.

-I learned a little of how to control the animal inside me. This animal is, indeed, my emotions. I'm so in tune with my feelings now, that I know when I need to go home, when I need to socialize more, when I have to take a break. But before that, all the past years (since as long as I can remember), I was so confused with myself, and it's kinda depressing not being able to figure myself out. I mean there were times when I literally blew up all of my emotions and scare people off just because of little things like spilling my water or dropping my pencil case open. I know now that I have a max point in emotions, and yes, after all these years I learned to live with it and learned how to minimize it. To minimize it, I have this method which really works (I'm able to do it now because I'm more in tune with myself). I learned to know when my emotions are near my max point, some moment before I blow up. It can be detected with my sensitivity to little things and my reaction which is stronger than usual on happy and sad things (tears just come out while watching sad videos on youtube or reading some articles in social medias, strangers smile at me makes me smile too for some hours, etc). When these things happen, I know it's time for me to back off and not overwhelm myself unless I want to reach my max point and blow up in front of people. So I go home as soon as I can, and trigger my emotions to pour out (it's easy because I'm about to reach my max point). I do what I feel like doing, can range from watching sad movies/videos, listening to sad songs, searching for sad quotes, to lay in bed and thinking sad, mean thoughts while I cry my face off. The pillow would be wet like crazy, but it's not as horrible as it may sound. I actually feel kinda relieved and finally at ease with myself. After that, the days will go as usual and I feel calm and stable.... well, until I reach the next max point.

-I’m over the phase of hating every inch of myself (from body to personality). I remembered this dark year (I won’t say when, but you probably could guess) when everything went wrong and I lost people that mattered to me and had no one and cried myself to sleep most nights and had dangerous thoughts and thought my life was completely meaningless. Got back on my feet a year later, found MBTI soon which made me 10000 times better. I figured out that I (in fact) didn’t have any craziness or personality disorder in me, and that there are people in other side of the Earth that have the same thinking and feeling pattern as me. I’m OBSESSED with MBTI, cognitive functions, enneagram, and other personality groupings.

I had a doubt once whether I’m truly sensitive or maybe I’m just moody. I cry my eyes out on things that make me sad, mostly from seeing cruelty and miserable people in this world. Everyone’s badmood is deeply infectious to me. I also cry more on little things that people usually just forget. On the other hand, I can become hard, insensitive, quiet, sharp, and produce a vibe that makes everyone wants to go away from me when people give me a hard time. It’s almost impossible to get me to open up, tell you how I feel, tell you about my problems. I also (surprisingly, unlike other HSP) can not tolerate menye-menye love movies, quotes, or songs people get sad to that I consider shallow (and mainstream). I found out the truth a while ago, how I can be the most sensitive and insensitive person. The truth is, not only I absorb people’s feeling like a sponge, I also reflect them like a mirror. My heart and mood reflects your emotion. I feel your heartache, I feel your confusion, I feel your chokes on the throat when you’re starting to cry. I can see things from your view, and I’m deeply disturbed by injustice. I always seem to be on the victim’s side, defending the underdogs. But once you’re mad at me, pressured me, judged me, I will reflect that side of you and started to think the same way about you. You’re sad, I’m sad. You’re mad, I’m mad. You’re being cold and hurting everyone, I’m being colder (but not gonna hurt you in any way). It’s all a-one-way to me.

And no, I'm not really that mysterious, dark, antisocial, scary girl anymore in real life:)) I'm not the super-cheerful, easiest-to-get-along-with kind of girl either. You'll probably find me rather laid-back with a friend by my side, talking with limited movement and carried a slight kind of awkwardness in me. The one with a few "close friends". You'll also probably find me walking alone with musics in my ear along with my easy, relaxed steps. ...Or you can find me furrowing my eyebrows and look at people sharply with sullen face (when I come across something that upsets me) lol. I come off as "intense" to a few people, but most people just see me as calm and soft in the first glance (told you I'm a paradox).

It’s just how I am and how all this years in life make me. I embrace it. I am learning a little more about myself everyday, figure out how to maximize my strengths and overcome my weaknesses. Even though it’s easier to be like everyone else, I don’t wanna trade me for anyone. I like my struggles even though it’s hard for me to handle from the very beginning. I like the way I shine differently – but not less bright – than most people in this common world.