trash post

  do i need help?
i should get myself a friend because not talking is killing me.
but then again, no one understands anyone else
is loneliness the price you have to pay for not being misunderstood?

The Earth Spins Around

How can I know that all of this won't end in vain? What is it that I've been craving, a meaningful life? What does that even mean?

Each of us is such a small, weightless flick of dust who feels special, believing we can change the world somehow. But most of us will be forgotten, our lifetimes wasted, our voices unheard. Surely there were many like us before, people who carried and fought for our ideals throughout all the centuries. Yet the world doesn't seem to change. Its evolvement is nothing but heartless invention. We are still of the same mentality, the same hunger, the same urges. We still fight for the same thing.

Priding civilization because we don't know any better. Putting names on everything as if we got it all figured out. Building skyscrapers and see the world through a screen.

Despite the 'peak of humanity', we are still wild inside, aren't we?

And what if it doesn't matter? What if nothing of this will matter? What if all the dream and war and love and life and fear and fight and idea and victory and obsession and possession and hatred and ache and chaos and grief and death won't matter at the end of the day? 

When the day ends, will we matter?

10 Best Movies of 2016

It's 3 months past 2016 but here I am. I wanted to post this around December 2016 fyi, but oscar movies always come out at the end of the year, 95% of them released at the same time. And don't get me started on Indonesian cinemas which screening time is messed up (I'm talking about 1-3 months delay on non-box office movies) and half of the movies I wanted to watch didn't even get a screen time. I had to wait for the bluray version to come out in an illegal movie site. I'm disgusting I know.

Soo, just a quick disclaimer. This list will be based on my personal experience and (amateurish) judgement. I made sure I have seen most of the Academy's movies, at least all nominees from the main categories (except documentary and foreign language film. I will tend to that soon). 

Here are some honorable mentions (in no particular order):

- Nocturnal Animals 

-Kimi No Na Wa

-The Edge of Seventeen

-Elle

And here are some of the movies that I haven't watched yet that might've made this list:

-Silence

-The Light between Oceans

There is a confusion about the release year of two movies that I absolutely loved. Those would be The Lobster (dir. Yorgos Lanthimos) and The Little Prince (dir. Mark Osborne). I personally watched them in the beginning of 2016, rotten tomatoes said it's 2016, but IMDB apparently had a different idea. So, if these counted as 2016 movies, they would definitely be on my top 10, but in order to avoid further confusion, we will leave them out.

TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2016

10. Sing Street         //         Captain Fantastic

What it's about:

*Sing Street: A coming-of-age boy with his family and school problems in hard economy of 1980 Dublin. He started a band to get a girl he liked. (Directed by John Carney. If you like his other films, Once and Begin Again, you would love this one).

*Captain Fantasic : A big family who lived in the woods abandoning social standards and norms forced to face the "real world" as their mother died.

I'm sorry, I just couldn't choose. It's a tie. Both of these movies are heartwarming and done really really well. They are different of course, but they kinda leave the same taste after a while. They are surprisingly these fun, feel-good, emotional movies that I can see myself rewatching again and again in the future. It's a great movie experience really. If you want some lightweight yet substantial movies to watch on a Saturday night, seek out Sing Street and Captain Fantastic.

9. Hacksaw Ridge

Mel Gibson is back in the game, yo! Hacksaw Ridge is a war biographical movie about Desmond Doss, a soldier who never shot a single person during World War II, but serving the state by saving 75 soldiers' lives. He won the Medal of Honor later in his life because of his bravery and selflessness. Now this ain't Full Metal Jacket or Saving Private Ryan. This movie simply won't be talked about fifty years from now. Hacksaw Ridge had its share of cliche moments and cheesy love story, sure, but it is a solid movie. The young actor, Andrew Garfield is showing his true potential here, which is first-class act, the cinematography is great, the directing is good, the explicit gore added depth and realistic take on the subject.The last half of the movie is touching, sadistic, and it is done with such passion and faith. It introduced us to the war hero, one idealistic man, Desmond Doss.

8. Zootopia

Zootopia is a brave and revolutionary movie breakthrough from Disney. I'm proud of you, Disney! In this movie, we are presented with heavy subjects like race, prejudice, the power of media, and multiple layers of society with a perfect dose that can be absorbed by any age. This movie is human (despite the characters of course(((:) and delivered a great deal of message for its viewers. With suspenseful actions, funny jokes, multiple twists (as predictable as it is), adorable characters, and overall exciting tones, this movie is definitely a strong contender.

ps: I was obsessed with Judy and Nick for weeks! Ship them with all my heart<33333

7. Moana

Disney really went full-power this year. Think Zootopia is the best animation movie of the year? Here's another! While Zootopia had guts, Moana had heart. It is artistically one of the best Disney animation of all time. Well, I was surprised with Moana. It is moving and empowering. The scene where she restored the heart of Te Fiti is sdfuadbjksuwqdba, I'm speechless. Beautiful. The songs are wonderful, the backstory perfect. It teaches young girls things Disney never got right before (and no, that's not entirely that women don't need a prince to save them).

6. I, Daniel Blake

This little British movie that no one talked about. Ah, where do I begin? Remembering this movie made my heart tremble. This is a movie about the welfare system in "developed country", England. We are exposed to suffering poor people and the government system (who promised "prosperity" and who were supposed to ensure the well-being and security of its citizen) as a masquerade for impossible appeals and humiliations. This movie really hit me hard. There is this particular scene which I can't bear and tears just poured right through me without any warning. This movie is powerful, important, deeply moving. It is handled right and not manipulative at all. I, Daniel Blake is a must-see. (Hollywood should learn from this)

5. Hell or High Water

I did not expect to like Hell or High Water this much. Hell or High Water is about two brothers who rob banks throughout Texas for different reasons, but mostly to save the family's ranch. This came out as our usual western crime movie, but I can assure you it's not. It's more about family and life than it is about the suspenseful shootings and robbery. It's deeper than that.  Despite being nominated for Best Picture in the Academy, we all know it's got no chance of actually winning. This movie is underrated as hell. The acting is solid, it's not pretentious, the movie is shot beautifully, and I really like the way this movie is delivered. Great script, perfect dialogue and silence. Definitely a well-crafted movie that worth the watch.

4. Manchester by the Sea

A strong, strong drama relied solely on the acting performance, direction, and a great script. Everything in this movie is top-notch. It's about a janitor who lives alone, who had to take care of his nephew in Manchester because his brother (the nephew's dad) just died. It's about their struggles to cope. Pretty simple, right? I walked in to see this with confidence that I know everything about this film. I've never been more wrong. It's not your typical bonding-and-struggling-to-get-along-type of movie. It's different and it's deeply substantial. Casey Affleck delivered one of the best performance I had ever seen. It's quiet, it's heart-wrenching, it's emotionally affecting. Manchester by the Sea is a tale of grief and loss, approach with caution.

3. Lion

Lion got a lot to tell. It told the true story of an Indian boy who accidentally got lost in Calcutta, and after some sequences, was adopted by an Australian couple. When he grew up, he wanted to track his home in India to reconnect with his family. Lion is the one film of the year that I can't get my finger on what it really is that makes me love and love this movie with all my heart. The acting is superb (especially Dev Patel as grown up Saroo, the kid actor who played young Saroo, Nicole Kidman, and Rooney Mara), the cinematography beautiful, the story gripping, sure. But there is this thing which I cannot name that resonated deep within me when I saw this. Nobody cried in the theater but I did multiple times throughout the film. It's not heavy or groundbreaking, but it's soulful, and with perfect story-telling and great dialogue, soulful is enough.

top 2 is hard and they both have their own strength and weakness. the following doesn't imply that one is better than the other, because after i thought thoroughly i still haven't reached any conclusion. that being said, let's just jump into it.

2. Arrival

Arrival is, in a sense, the best movie I've watched this year. It's original, it hasn't been done before, and it's breathtaking. The buildup was perfect and accurate. From Villeneuve, director of Sicario and screenwriter of Hell or High Water, I had high expectation for Arrival. I was not being let down. Arrival is gripping from the start, and by the end it surpassed all my expectation I had for this film. Arrival tells the story of alien invasion on Earth. But instead of being all apocalyptic, the-end-of-the-world-ish, or superheroish Hollywood usually pulled off, this has different approach. The alien invasion was controlled by language approach. How language is the most important aspect of basic communication and how it shapes a way of thinking. How language arguably is the most primal tool we need for evolution. Amy Adams was the backbone of this movie, and the fact that she didn't get Oscar's nomination is beyond me. Arrival is a perfect package; from acting, to cinematography, to the directing, to its soundtrack, to the atmosphere, to filming techniques. There is even a thoughtful and well-made twist at the end of the film. Arrival is an epic and intimate sci-fi with perfect balance of brain and heart.

1. La La Land

I know, I know. "La La Land is overrated as hell." 

It's not. It's a great musical movie. Being born in the late 90s, I didn't have my share with legendary musicals. Everybody has a once-in-a-lifetime cinema experience, and for me it is La La Land. La La Land is magical, it caught me from the second it started and hasn't let me go. Damien Chazelle is a genius. The music in this movie is theatrical, grand, and complex. It has the best music score of all the movies I have watched. It's daring, it offers new perspective on love and career. It's unpredictable and it's passionate. La La Land is a modern musical that people will talk about fifty years from now.

Empty Space For You is Another Universe for Someone Else

but how do you weigh sacrifice and self-respect?

should people respect themselves enough to walk away

or stay - gravels in their eyes, blood oozing out - for their loved ones?

Excerpt

Through the chaos and the dark I went on

Staying true despite the fear and the howl

And though surrounded by words we are

Words would mean nothing without perception

If God wills upon us

Through the flashing lights and grey-looking people

I will find my way back to you

Flesh, Feathers, and Fairy Dusts

Amongst all the words in the planet

I think "practical" is the last word that describes me

Practicality is needed in this world in order to survive

It is effective

It is rational

It gives a sense of safety

But I don't want safety 

I don't want "normal life" that everyone around me is chasing so relentlessly

I don't want the rest of my life stuck in an office cubicle after spending years of my life stuck inside the bricks of school, again forced to do things I don't have interest in

I don't want enormous paycheck by doing some meaningless job

I don't want marriage that ends up in separate beds some time down the road

I want a passionate life

I want a sense of wonder that overflows in everything I touch, everything I do

I want internal peace

and serene, healthy environment for me and people around me to grow

I want to read, and think, and finally do things that I want to do

I want to live by my own standards and stand up defending my values

Million times I have been told that I have impossible standards

That I'll never make it in the world with a mind like this

That it's simply not how society and the world function

That I need a certain set of 'practical' skills to survive

And what I think and discover will always matter less than what I'm able to do,

especially if it doesn't produce money

I am so tired of people telling me to be more grounded

Learning practical skills is important-yes, but so is thinking outside the box, being real, inspiring, and full of empathy in a world this numb

I am so tired of people telling me to pursue "realistic" goal

That there are so many ways someone like me can make a whole lot of money

But here's what I want:

I want to study human mind.

I want to be a voluntary doctor, healing those who are sick and lost in wars, or in places that don't have proper healthcare.

I won't have anything else outside those two

I won't bend my dreams, my passion, for wealth and stable life

Please do understand that things I want are different than yours

Because I would rather be alone with contentment than being with the wrong person

Because I would rather die with sparks in my heart than live with emptiness inside me

Because the life I want is spiritual, meaningful, deep, and free 

That refusing to drive, refusing to date, refusing to bow down to the norms are a liberty of mine that should not be judged.

Lentera

"Orang-orang itu telah melupakan bahwa belajar tidaklah melulu untuk mengejar dan membuktikan sesuatu, namun belajar itu sendiri, adalah perayaan dan penghargaan pada diri sendiri.” 

―Padang Bulan, Andrea Hirata