Sadness-dom View

It's a funny world we live in. We crave conflict so desperately, so we create one in broad daylight. And when it does come, we cry. We talk as if it was a disaster. We point our finger at people like there's nothing in them, like they have no feelings or brain to process all that crap. We gain satisfaction by hurting others (and claim we are the ones who are hurt). We talk about it with other party searching for comfort, when in truth, agreement is all that we want. Provoking each other, spilling gasoline over raging fire.

Sadness, for me, should both hurt and please you without including anyone in the process. It is important, yes, but it was meant to be our dark, deep guilty pleasures. It was meant to be searched in 3 a.m. by only oneself, in the rawest form of it without sacrificing others in the pursuit of it. It should open up your heart and makes you understand something about yourself that you never does before.
 It is a dark place within yourself that only you can enter. 

Paint The Town Green

The truth is, I don’t feel belong anywhere. I go from place to place, trying out clubs, go with different kind of people, but nothing feels right. I am kinda dangling in the middle, too neutral to do one thing, let alone the other things. I feel as if the only one I’m comfortable hanging with is myself.

Maybe that’s why I stay in today. I can not bear people, I just wanna be by myself. Some days I walk till the sun almost set, but not today.

I’m sorry my ego speaks more than it should, in time when you need me. But I don’t feel like you do once I’m there. The only thing that counts of me is just the attendance of my head, not the voice of my thoughts.

I just want to go from place to place, not settling.

To Dublin, take me there.

V

These days' reverie

Is it better to be
happy, but wrong
or
right, but unhappy?

I thought I was getting better everyday, leaving my old self and becoming this new version of me. I thought i was going down the right path, because it felt right.

But it's not.

I've been thinking about this lately, and I think I mixed up the definition of right and happiness. Why does this new me feel right? This new me feels right because I'm happier, not because it is right. If anything, I'm getting worse. Once I held high my values and didn't care what it takes to hold tight to them. I was proud of myself, but at the same time, unhappy. I sacrifice my happiness, my life even, for my principles. I was miserable, because it was a hard road I took; alone, misunderstood, against the stream.

Now I don't even recognize myself anymore. I crossed the values which I once believed more than anything. I threw them like they were nothing, like I forgot what I was once fighting so hard for. And for what? For temporary happiness, for 'friends', for acceptance. It felt right not because it is right, but because I'm happier in this state. I don't have to feel like screaming and crying all the time anymore. I enjoy my surroundings and feel love rather than hatred. I'm not as negative as I once was. I feel like I'm finally at peace with myself and with those around me.

Homework for self
Feel good or feel right?
Happiness above values or the other way around?
To walk on the wrong road, or trapped in the right place?

so many questions, looks like tonight would be another sleepless night

zum geburtstag viel glück

lima puluh delapan tahun sudah ia berdiri tuk menyaksikan.

menyaksikan awal hingga puncak, tangis dan tawa, keringat dan kebanggaan. berulang-ulang selama berpuluh-puluh generasi. menyaksikan siklus demi siklus, perubahan demi perubahan. menyaksikan pejuang-pejuang tangguh yang berjalan cepat di sepanjang koridornya. pun melingkar, berstrategi, dan berbagi tawa di setiap sudutnya. menyaksikan setiap kepanikan dan debaran hati, pelukan dan bisikan "semangat" hingga "selamat". menyaksikan mereka (yang beruntung untuk mendapat tiga tahun berharga berproses di tempat ini) menemukan jati diri dan mengukir cita. menghantarkan setiap hati yang terlepas dari kewajiban memakai putih abuabu siap untuk terjun ke dunia, menjadi orang di bidangnya masing-masing. orang-orang yang membawa perubahan bagi ibu pertiwi yang semakin menangis. manusia-manusia ikhlas pengemban amanah, bukan budak harta yang tidak ambil pusing soal ribuan keluarga yang meratap memohon di bawah kakinya.

selamat ulang tahun smalaku. tetaplah menjadi dinding yang mendengar dan melihat dalam diammu. tetaplah menjadi atap yang menaungi perjuangan para calon pemimpin peradaban. tetaplah menjadi rumah untuk kami pulang.

selamat berkomentar (di balik punggung)

hmm emang salah banget ta
ya iya se salah
tapi pandanganmu mesti terpatok pada satu hal gitulo
padahal kan butuh lihat dari jauh juga, lihat big picturenya
keseluruhannya

kalo mau jujur-jujuran se
sebenernya
cuma nggak ngerasa belong

simpel ya
gaada pembelaan kok
emang salah
maaf

memang seharusnya ya lebih adaptif
tapi udah capek nyoba fit in
berusaha menjadi lebih seperti mereka, yang bukan diriku
bukan juga orang yang aku ingin diriku menjadi
yasudah, selama aku bahagia, dari luar juga asyik

we are two opposite polars who don't know how to complement each other

The Sane World

do you remember when we were small?

when we still got shines in our eyes and dreams in our head

when there were still backyards and hidden tracks to explore with curiosity

where have all that dreams gone? – and all that sparks?

it was sold off

to adults, to this town of madness, to the cruelty we’ve seen, to the stories we were told, to pragmatism, to the world, to the system

how did it all start? – we wondered

it started off with realism

when we were old enough and we told them about our dreams with passions in our eyes, they said

“Be realistic”
with a light chuckle while their eyes still fixated on their paperwork

and when we got that “Be realistic”s from so many mouths, we came to believe it

we dismissed our childhood desires to go to the moon or to build underwater rockets because it’s not “real”

we determined our life paths by ways that were walked over by thousands of people each year

it’s like an endless cycle

we became robots with the same routines everyday

we were told that success is measured by income

and happiness is measured by money

we became the person we said we'd never became

we do things that we know are wrong – but do it anyway because people around us seem to see no problem to it

“Easy, child, we’ve been doing it for years, and so did people before us, and it’s totally fine. It’s like tradition”

so instead of innovating changes, we settle for all these “traditions” because they're welcomed by society

we silence children’s creativity and teenagers’ act of freedom, when all they're searching for are themselves

we silence children’s insights and teenagers’ love

by saying tons of “you don’t know what you’re talking about, you haven’t known the world yet’ and  “it’s useless”

we forget how it felt to be them - to have things that were important to us as a child ignored by adults 

we swore we would never be like our parents - yet after all these years we became exactly like them

we are adults who were treated this way when we were children

who now treat our children the same

whose children will do the same to their children

we are blind and blinding them – although we called it growing them

this system is killing us and we need to put a stop to it

we are human – breathing, walking, alive human

we need to travel and be connected with people and nature

we are not robots, and we don’t grow robots

we feel things, simple things

like how the winds felt in our skin

or the way the smell of a chicken soup makes you feel nostalgic

or those heartwarming moments when you're talking to animals

we will not kill anymore thoughts

and we will not silence anyone’s voice

we refuse to brainwash people with the overpraise of this “flawless” system

we are responsible for the next generations

and we shall make a change