Excerpt

Through the chaos and the dark I went on

Staying true despite the fear and the howl

And though surrounded by words we are

Words would mean nothing without perception

If God wills upon us

Through the flashing lights and grey-looking people

I will find my way back to you

Flesh, Feathers, and Fairy Dusts

Amongst all the words in the planet

I think "practical" is the last word that describes me

Practicality is needed in this world in order to survive

It is effective

It is rational

It gives a sense of safety

But I don't want safety 

I don't want "normal life" that everyone around me is chasing so relentlessly

I don't want the rest of my life stuck in an office cubicle after spending years of my life stuck inside the bricks of school, again forced to do things I don't have interest in

I don't want enormous paycheck by doing some meaningless job

I don't want marriage that ends up in separate beds some time down the road

I want a passionate life

I want a sense of wonder that overflows in everything I touch, everything I do

I want internal peace

and serene, healthy environment for me and people around me to grow

I want to read, and think, and finally do things that I want to do

I want to live by my own standards and stand up defending my values

Million times I have been told that I have impossible standards

That I'll never make it in the world with a mind like this

That it's simply not how society and the world function

That I need a certain set of 'practical' skills to survive

And what I think and discover will always matter less than what I'm able to do,

especially if it doesn't produce money

I am so tired of people telling me to be more grounded

Learning practical skills is important-yes, but so is thinking outside the box, being real, inspiring, and full of empathy in a world this numb

I am so tired of people telling me to pursue "realistic" goal

That there are so many ways someone like me can make a whole lot of money

But here's what I want:

I want to study human mind.

I want to be a voluntary doctor, healing those who are sick and lost in wars, or in places that don't have proper healthcare.

I won't have anything else outside those two

I won't bend my dreams, my passion, for wealth and stable life

Please do understand that things I want are different than yours

Because I would rather be alone with contentment than being with the wrong person

Because I would rather die with sparks in my heart than live with emptiness inside me

Because the life I want is spiritual, meaningful, deep, and free 

That refusing to drive, refusing to date, refusing to bow down to the norms are a liberty of mine that should not be judged.

Lentera

"Orang-orang itu telah melupakan bahwa belajar tidaklah melulu untuk mengejar dan membuktikan sesuatu, namun belajar itu sendiri, adalah perayaan dan penghargaan pada diri sendiri.” 

―Padang Bulan, Andrea Hirata

Idealist at Heart

Chaotic/Neutral Good (D&D) View on "Patriotism"

We're not supposed to fully trust and follow authorities without thinking and aligning it with our own values first. Blind obedience toward one's government in the name of "patriotism" has proven to be the root of wars, genocide, and slavery throughout the human history. 

"One has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. We must always remember that morality and humanity goes beyond the law and the government."

"That Girl Has Always Been A Little Off"

Take a moment to realize

that the line between instincts and delusions is so thin

Can we really blame the mental and the mad

the lunatic, the psycho, the schizo, the ones we call nuts?

Feeling crazy is inevitable sometimes

Knowing that we don't make any sense, yet feeling like it's the only explanation

Not knowing whether to trust people or our own unstable mind

And after so many betrayal, isn't it normal to betray people close to us in our thoughts? 

To be suspicious and questioning motives?

Is it instinct? Is it delusion?

Is it a careful and necessary approach? Or illogical, senseless accusation?

Where do we draw the line?

And some things aren't meant to be revealed

even truths can be buried

It's a never-ending quest,

the more we think the deeper the hole

Maybe I'm just a little screwed up in the head after all.

Humanity

Be aware of the world. Be suspicious and guarded. Be careful when it comes to trusting people. Know that this world isn't filled with people like you. There are wolves around trying to ruin your life. Be strong of whatever it is they throw you. For there is unimaginable strength within one's soul.

But whatever it is you've seen, whatever it is you've gone through, stay kind. Be compassionate and open and loving to the rest of the world. This world needs more goodhearted people more than it needs anything else. Being kind in a world this cruel isn't weakness, it is the ultimate sign of bravery. There are so many broken people around us, and we carry within us the power to heal.

I know that we, as human beings, are incredibly complex and layered. I know inside all of us, there are inhuman spirits living, waiting to be awaken. It's humane to have inhuman instincts. This is something so deep inside our flesh that we don't want to admit even to ourselves. This is our demon lurking in the dark. It's hideous but it's there. It may not always show on daily basis, but I'm sure when placed in unusual circumstances; tolerated by many people; or when nobody's watching, it dominates our thinking. This is why wars happen from the beginning of human history until maybe the end of the world.

But inside us there are also souls, and hearts, and empathy. Being kind is a choice, and think of how strong and graceful it is for us to choose kindness and spread love to a world that's been unkind to most. To defeat and suppress our demons. To create instead of destroy. To understand instead of judge people by their behavior, or worse, by things that they don't choose, things that don't define their worth.

People say or do the wrong things to each other all the time, but it is not wise to judge them because of these things. Ask. There are reasons. Forgive.

So for few people who are staying low in the background, supportive and unassuming, always there for others even when others let them down, thank you. I know people don't always appreciate you, I know you feel invisible more often than not. But wherever you are, you matter. You are the backbones of this world. You are strong, not because of your voice or position, but because of your heart big enough to carry everyone, when most hearts can only carry theirs alone. Please don't give up on your battle, and I hope you find happiness in life.

A Cup Of Sea

"I said, I prefer the ocean when it's gray. Or not really gray. A pale, in-between color. It reminds me of waiting for something good to happen." -Lauren Oliver 

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Most Relatable Goals

July Tag

Wonder

So this holiday I read 6 books. Some of them are great, some are not living up to my expectation. The wonderful ones are A Thousand Splendid Suns and To Kill A Mockingbird, which I highly recommend. Aand I happened to read a children fiction, this book Wonder, and it totally stunned me. I started reading it with a low expectation knowing it's written for children, but at the end I was grateful to have come across this gem. I was really moved by this book. This is the kind of book that makes you wanna change yourself. Be kinder. Spread love. Take time to know people around you. Be a friend.

So this is basically what's going on in the book:
August (Auggie) Pullman was born with a facial deformity that prevented him from going to a mainstream school - until now. He's about to start 5th grade at Beecher Prep, and if you've ever been the new kid then you know how hard that can be. The thing is Auggie's just an ordinary kid, with an extraordinary face. But can he convince his new classmates that he's just like them, despite appearances? 

I really connect and sympathize with everyone in this book, especially Auggie. I thought the multiple alternating view point would be overwhelming, but it succeeded to create three-dimensional characters that felt so human. Palacio can really turn a simple story into a multilayer one. By the end of the book I was sobbing (and smiling). This is one reading experience that I would very like to re-experience again and again. I cannot wait to get my hands on The Julian Chapter (another book from the perspective of Auggie's bully). It has insane rating on goodreads and I really hope it will be as moving as Wonder.

the most thoughtful chapter of the entire book

This is a few passage from Wonder:

“Always be kinder than is necessary. Because it's not enough to be kind. One should be kinder than needed.” 

"Everyone deserves a standing ovation because we all overcometh the world."

“We carry with us, as human beings, not just the capacity to be kind, but the very choice of kindness.” 

“But I really believe, and Daddy really believes, that there are more good people on this earth than bad people, and the good people watch out for each other and take care of each other.” 

This book is my definition of faith in humanity.
Just when the world is turning cruel, deceiving, and monstrous everywhere you look, books like this come and remind your warm little passionate heart that it doesn't have to be cold and numbed from all the injustice, suffering, and violence you see at every turn. There is still hope. There are still numbers of goodhearted people around. And if you can't find one, be one.

**

A Tribute to The Best Director Ever

And that means you,
Mr Darren Aronofsky!

A few years ago, his name didn't even ring a bell. My favorite then would be David Fincher or maybe Nolan (talk about all that twists! and suspense! and incredibly sharp mind!).
...And then I stumbled upon Aronofsky on IMDB and found out that two of his films are actually very high on my movie rank (Black Swan, The Wrestler), I can't believe they're from the same director! So I decided to give some of his films a few try and I was hooked. This man is insane. I can't imagine what it's like to be inside of his mind, must've been ten nightmares going on at once. His films are not those blockbuster crowd-magnet box office, it's far from it. His directing style is bizarre, claustrophobic at times, and full of symbolism and metaphors. Rarely he played with CGI and visual effects (except for Noah). Rather, all of his films centered on human minds and the quest of seeking the truth about this universe. They dwelt deep into mental illness, obsession, human nature, delusions, coping with life, searching for the ultimate truth of life and death. His strong point is characterization. Most of his films are told in first-person narrator, so we, for 2 hours, are inside the minds of the characters. There is a lot of ambiguity and subjectivity, because what we see on screen is not a very reliable source itself (we see what the characters see, and mind you some of these characters are in very, very unhealthy state of mind). His films are usually open to interpretation (unlike Hollywood style which spoonfed you and leaves nothing to imagination). If your favorite movies include fast-paced action like Fast and Furious or tearjerking rom-com like Nicholas Spark's, stay clear. Aronofsky might not be your cup of tea. But if like to challenge your mind, if you're interested in seeing through the lenses of unstable characters, if you crave intensity and depth, you're in for a treat!

He had his high and low. Even though I think Noah and The Fountain are mediocre, the rest of his work has scored him levels far above other directors. He's the only director whose movies really get under my skin, my mind, my heart. They scarred me for a long time and the aftertastes are not wearing off after all this time. These films are brutal, powerful, disturbing, and deeply heartbreaking. These are beautiful tragedies made possible by a very talented and observant artist, Darren Aronofsky himself, without sugercoating, without emotional manipulations.

This is my personal favorite order of his work:

Also check these out:

(please play them in full screen for maximum effect)

1 A.M. Piece of Mind

There. This band said everything I wanna say in 9 words. Because no, I don't wanna date just because everyone does. I don't wanna date because it's what teenagers are 'supposed' to do. I am seventeen, it's a young and reckless age. I can barely take care of myself. You are probably around the same age as I am. It'll be all fun and sweet and cute but in a few months it will get ugly. You will be bored and so will I. I don't want to be tied down and commit to anything yet, I am not one bit ready for that. I'm free-spirited and still searching for myself, trying to express whatever last bit of me I had to the world. We're both insecure and I find comfort in isolation and things on the internet which you won't get, and you find comfort in living your youth with friends and a girlfriend. We will fight because chance is our view will be different and we don't prioritize things the same way. You will think I'm stuck-up and uptight because I won't do anything I don't wanna do. You'll choose 'fun' and eventually leave, and what does that leave me except maybe a broken heart and biting bitterness?
.
And to be honest it's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault because
nobody is wise and mature enough at this age for a serious relationship.

And no, I don't want to 'experience' because I am the one taking care of my heart and soul for years, I'm trying to be the best version of myself I could be. Maybe it's far from there yet, but I'm not letting some boy destroy everything I've done so far.

**

So wait. Pray. It's all that we can do, really. Pray that we'll meet again one day, when the time is right. When we have found ourselves and figured out what the hell it is we're meant to do in this world. When we know enough about human nature and how to function in the real world. When we understand completely how human relationships are formed and how safe bounds are made without restricting and corrupting the other.

Only then we'll sit down and talk,
willing to accept each other for who we are underneath.

Because rushing things won't help, it only poisons. I can't be what you need if I'm seventeen.

May Tags!

#1 Between Shades of Gray

This is a book by Ruta Sepetys which I got by a little gambling. God, this is probably one of the best book I've read in the past 12 months. It's a YA novel (extremely mature for this genre) about an opinionated, artistic girl named Lina who lived in Lithuania in 1941. World War II crashed and the whole Baltic countries - Lithuania, Estonia, Latvia - were under Stalin's regime (Soviet). People who were considered anti-Soviet, including Lina's family, were taken by NKDV secret police and kept for years as workers doing hard labor, treated like animals, traveled miles from home in unimaginable condition, and left to starve and eventually die in harsh winter of Siberia.

Ruta Sepetys has a unique writing style which I enjoyed very much. There are just necessary amount of details, with each chapters about three-four pages long. Every sentence hits me in the right spot without trying to be sentimental. It's just the perfect dose of everything. I realize it's not easy to touch this sensitive subject without taking sides or being whiny, but Ruta managed to do it. This book opened my eyes to yet another part of war I was never exposed to before. True, this is not an easy book. I read it in 2 days, and this book left me with uneasy, sickening aftertaste. I couldn't sleep the night I finished this and just laid in my bed, thinking. Everytime I tried to close my eyes, the scenes from the book played in my brain and it's just real and horrifying. This book left a huge scar in my heart and made me reflect about what human race could do to its kind. Is our security really worth the blood of others? Do we, under unusual circumstances, have the ability to hurt people without hesitation, without a sense of guilt? This is one of the brutally powerful book. It really did mess me up, but nonetheless, genius.




#2 Midnight in Paris

What can I say? This movie has the charm that catches you from the start. It's about a man who writes and appreciates beauty, likes Paris in the rain, a little eccentric, and longs for a life in golden era (Paris in 1920s), but currently is stuck with Hollywood job and life in Malibu with a materialistic-pragmatist soon-to-be-wife. They went to Paris and the man, couldn't stand the blandness of his wife and her friends, escaped to solitude and found himself keep going to the past (1920s and 1890s). 

Midnight in Paris is thick with Woody Allen atmosphere, slightly more serious than his usual work, but the jokes get to you anyway. I love the yellowish palette they used which brought Paris to life. We see Paris shot from beautiful angles, dense with romanticism. We meet Hemingway and Fitzgeralds, Dali and Picasso. It's one hell of a fantasy. This, along with Pan's Labyrinth and The Little Prince, have become my top fantasy movies.

I myself kept saying that I was born in the wrong decade, but it's just a shattered illusion, a perpetual state of denial. I realized in the end, we ought to live in the now, no matter how screwed and shallow it seems to be. Every era has its own struggle which we sometimes overlook because of its glorification. All we can do is live - stop running, and find people who relate to us, whom we share our little worlds with. Dedicated to the romantic and the dreamer, the runaway and the searcher, this movie will make you see life from a different point of view.

The Monster's Back

I'm back again at the beginning
Suddenly it's square one, middle school all over again
I thought I was done with all of this
A clean slate, new mindset
And now it's happening again
The crying, the impulse, the escaping
The self doubt, the lost feeling, the misunderstanding
The guilt, the isolation, the pointing fingers
The excuses, the pretendings, the lies
The voices
I thought this has passed, that it doesn't matter anymore
I've grown out of this, see things with a new pair of eyes
Turns out all it takes is God taking back what's His for a moment
A polished event with balloons

Then it all crashes down

What's Happening

A perfect capture of these days' communication and friendship. Might not be this extreme but the essence is still the same; talking about self. Quite sad if you think about it,

March Tags!

Hi! For March (this is my favorite month of the year ehm), I’m doing movies. Enjoy!

#1 Room

So the oscar nomination has been out since February, and I’m doing a marathon on some of it. While Spotlight is awesome and totally worthy of best picture, I actually like Room more. I think it’s probably the best movie in 2015. It’s not often to find a movie like this. The acting is just believable, and there is an unquestionable chemistry between Brie and Jacob. The director is a genius, and along with the writer, must have worked so hard to make this movie possible. This is one of the most heartwarming movie I’ve watched.  Room doesn’t make you think hard, or edged in your seat, or amazed by overwhelming visual effects. It makes you understand and feel humanity. I truly believe something in my heart died (while some that had died lived again) when the movie was over and the credit started to play. All I want while watching this was hugging Jack and kept him from the world’s cruelty.

#2 An Education

This beginning of March I got through another mid-term test. While I always feel there’s something wrong with these tests and the school system, I just looked into the bigger picture of this nation’s education. This is not education. This is getting good grades for whatever it takes, get in good university at any cost, and be successful later in life. There is no thirst in knowledge, no learning just for the sake of it anymore. I don’t care if cheating is the only way I can get in, I’ll do it. I don’t care if I don’t understand any of this, as long I get in my dream school. I don’t care if it takes 20 million rupiahs to guarantee my seat in university, I’ll go for it. This is messed up. And most teachers just turn a blind eye seeing this, knowing that their schools will get praise for the amount of students get in popular universities all over the country while they get a raise. It’s a trap and I have to admit it’s harder than ever to maintain my ideality if I want to survive. And there are still pressure going on from parents and unrealistic standards from teachers, which makes it even harder.

Okay, that’s enough of that, I will go into the movie. This is the official synopsis of it:

In the early 1960's, sixteen year old Jenny Mellor lives with her parents in the London suburb of Twickenham. On her father's wishes, everything that Jenny does is in the sole pursuit of being accepted into Oxford, as he wants her to have a better life than he. Jenny is bright, pretty, hard working but also naturally gifted. The only problems her father may perceive in her life is her issue with learning Latin, and her dating a boy named Graham, who is nice but socially awkward. Jenny's life changes after she meets David Goldman, a man over twice her age. David goes out of his way to show Jenny and her family that his interest in her is not improper and that he wants solely to expose her to cultural activities which she enjoys. Jenny quickly gets accustomed to the life to which David and his constant companions, Danny and Helen, have shown her, and Jenny and David's relationship does move into becoming a romantic one. However, Jenny slowly learns more about David, and by association Danny and Helen, and specifically how they make their money. Jenny has to decide if what she learns about them and leading such a life is worth forgoing her plans of higher eduction at Oxford

An Education is a movie about a tragedy that could happen to any of us if the only thing we care for is success in life. This is what will happen if we don’t think education alone is important, if we think it’s just a tool to get what we want, to afford the kind of lifestyle we want in the future. This movie did make me question everything I already know about education. It’s an important movie that should’ve been watched by everyone, especially teenagers and truth-seekers. It’s beautifully done, and mind you this isn’t even Hollywood-release as far as I know.

Bonus quote:

-credit to: line account from A to A

Sooo I really recommend you to watch these. There are also some other movies and music that I really want to cover later, maybe I will update it maybe I won’t;D  I also apologize if anything I said earlier offend you, it’s just my view and of course it can be different from yours. Anyway, enjoy these masterpiece. You can let me know what you think of themJ

Old in The Making

This morning when I woke up, I'm no longer a child. I'm a solid adult, legal by law.

I always thought the whole birthday thing is nonsense, because it's really just the day you are born, randomly, coincidentally, one out of 365.

But I don't know, a miracle struck this morning. After I'm doing my morning prayer, I suddenly got this realization that I'm, in fact, is not the center of the universe.

Of course you aren't.

I know, but see, all my life I've been struggling with it. I take things personally, making connection in my head why some people act a certain way around me, what they think of me, do they assume I'm (insert adjectives). I'm embarrassed to say this, but actually I always thought everything has to do with me.

This realization just came from deep down this morning, and I'm grateful for it. I feel really at ease with myself right now, like I don't have to worry all the time. This might've been the best and only gift I receive today. I hope I'll mature soon, and this is my starting point in life.

Thought I was an old soul, turns out I'm just a child.

A Little Slap From God to Keep Our Feet at The Ground

Mereka bilang sudah saatnya kita turun. Sudah saatnya roda berputar. Usahanya sudah tidak seperti yang dulu-dulu lagi.

Mereka bilang ini saatnya memberi kesempatan pada yang lain, saatnya mereka menjadi pahlawan.

Yang mereka tidak tahu adalah usaha kami, beban di punggung kami, dan janji-janji yang menunggu untuk ditepati. Mereka tidak tahu bahwa untuk menjadi pahlawan, ada pihak yang dijatuhkan. Pihak yang dalam hal ini bukan antagonis (tapi tak ada yang tahu karena well, proses persiapannya tidak disorot kamera).

We deserved this.

They didn’t see it. They only see what they wanted to see – a bunch of people that didn’t even try, but randomly got the ability to be a winner.

We’re not. There’s so little talent involved here. It’s pure hard work, our work.

Mungkin doa kita masih kurang, mungkin kita masuk pada tahun yang salah. But nobody can say we didn’t work hard. Nobody can say the competition was at its fairest, and that we lost by objectivity. Nobody can say we didn’t take this seriously, and that we didn't try as hard as we used to be. That crying when we walked out of the door, it was not of regret, but rather, of disappointment.

Tapi nggak apa-apa. We’re the ones who dare to dream. We have visions, and we chase it. We didn’t back down even though we know it’s gonna be hard.

Di sisi manisnya, kita saling mengenal.

Menghabiskan malam-malam bersama, satu potong ayam dan susu milo.

Mengucap doa setelahnya, diterangi cahaya senter yang melukis bayangan lingkaran tangan raksasa yang naik-turun seiring irama di atap yang setengahnya berlubang.

Bermimpi di bawah langit malam, membentuk bayangan dari tangan-tangan yang lelah di langit-langit istana, tertawa 

Berjalan di bawah hujan untuk sembahyang selepas matahari terbenam dan bersujud kepada-Nya, berdoa agar semua tak sia-sia.

Tak ada yang sia-sia.

From it we learn. My God, do we learn.

Lifetime Show

Because if we take time to look into someone else's life, we won't find any black and white. We realize that everybody is a protagonist in their own story, and they have their reason to act the way that others may perceive as evil.

February Music Tags

Well I'm thinking of doing tags and I thought it'd be fun! I'm not into makeup or brands or gadgets or any of the cool youtube tags. I will only share my monthly interests of music, movies, and occasionally books. 

Okay, for February, I cannot get my head out of this beautiful piece by Norah Jones. I've known this song for quite some time from my father's collection, but only now I can truly appreciate it. I've never considered myself a die-hard romantic type of person. Most of the YA books, movies, and songs are either too superficial or too diabetic for me. Story slash confession time! So to be honest, I don't feel love the way people do, never crush on somebody I just met. Sometimes I wonder if I'm some sort of asexual person. However, I fell in love everyday with the way people laugh, their sparkly eyes, the way they pet a cat or help out strangers. Things like that are attractive to me, and it does make me smile. But relationships never go anywhere for me. I never got hit by a wave of overwhelming love/crush all my life. 

But I still think I'm a romantic, it's just that my taste for romance is different than most people. It has little to do with things on the surface like getting in a relationship, being asked to the dance with outrageous proposal by a charming jock, getting big cute surprise on your birthday, etc. My taste for romance is extreme. Either it's twisted, complicated, deep, or very simple and soft. This song is what my heart would say if it can speak, on its peaceful state. This is my kind of romance. Soft and simple. No surprises. No fancy video with expensive cars and beautiful hair and melting smile. Just pack our things and go, both of us, somewhere safe from everyone we know. Start over peacefully.

(pay attention to the lyrics, lie down and relax, don't rush. listen and it will drift you to your nicest sleep ever)

Sadness-dom View

It's a funny world we live in. We crave conflict so desperately, so we create one in broad daylight. And when it does come, we cry. We talk as if it was a disaster. We point our finger at people like there's nothing in them, like they have no feelings or brain to process all that crap. We gain satisfaction by hurting others (and claim we are the ones who are hurt). We talk about it with other party searching for comfort, when in truth, agreement is all that we want. Provoking each other, spilling gasoline over raging fire.

Sadness, for me, should both hurt and please you without including anyone in the process. It is important, yes, but it was meant to be our dark, deep guilty pleasures. It was meant to be searched in 3 a.m. by only oneself, in the rawest form of it without sacrificing others in the pursuit of it. It should open up your heart and makes you understand something about yourself that you never does before.
 It is a dark place within yourself that only you can enter.