ten thousand blades striking at once

But if you have no part in the world, no matter how diseased the world is, you are dead. It is not enough to earn your living, do no actual harm to anyone, tell no lies, help a few people with money or kindness when the occasion presents – and without too great a hardship to oneself. It is not enough. It is okay. It is not dirty. But it is dead.

– Martha Gellhorn

A Letter to Myself

Look behind
The wall I built has gotten too thick,
too big,
too tall

The guard is strong and impenetrable

Spending the last few years inside,

I've grown accustomed to the dark

From a little space I watch people grow,
their lives flash before my eyes
Taking notes, calculating, interpreting
I am a still in their background,
a streak of paint that's not meant to be there,
an off-color no one notices even though it doesn't belong with the rest of the painting

Taking notes, calculating, interpreting
Trying to understand the world,
but staying in my own, the one I created for myself
Trying to understand life,
without having one

You can't fathom the unfathomable
Each a phantom of a soul's mind
Let go, let loose
Step out,
it's time.

• —Inspired by Life Beyond Walls, a poem by d.c.r

hang in there

Self improvement is important, but at times I can't help feeling like I'm dysfunctional as shit.
The more people talk about it, the more I am certain
I am not enough. for you, for life.

To Bloom and To Wither

“But darling, why so gloomy? You got a gift very few have – you can be alone in the dark and never feel lost. You can be your own friend in any roads you take throughout life. You know great people carved their path that way. You got your own back. I would kill to have that.”

She stopped for a while, fixing her glare at a space of nothing, “Things like that come with a price. You crave connections, but it’s hard to create bonds with people. And it’s killing me because I’m afraid that life will pass, leaving me alone and unloved – and I don't say it out of dramatization or insecurity, it comes from self observation and genuine worry about being too independent. You have an ocean of empathy and feeling, but unable to express them to anyone and it’s slicing and inflating my inside at the same time, leaving me hollow as I grow older. My race is with time. My kryptonite is holding back. I don’t need anyone to light the match and guide me – I can do that on my own. But I want to be understood and validated, I want someone to walk alongside me. And darling, want is a more powerful thing than need.”

“Well, denial is stronger than both.”

Baby Steps to Positivity

So I've been rereading a bunch of my late posts and I realized that the amount of negativity in this blog is just too much! I'm a relaxed person in real life, but this blog is my catharsis a.k.a. rant box a.k.a. a space for me to channel mind toxicity and frustration.

Anyway, let's take some time to appreciate life, as messy as it is, for there is beauty in every place I lay my eyes on

I'm blessed with good health and good life

The future is open and it holds endless possibilities

There is still enough time to make dreams happen, to connect with people who matter

I am in control of my thoughts, my actions, and my decisions

My growth is progressing, and I hope my conscience mature over time

The short life I have, it may not change the world, but it might mean a lot to those I help and care about

So give thanks to Allah and keep good thoughts of Him.

PS: I'm incorporating yoga into my daily routine. I hope it can stick for a long time. I found the relaxation soothing and helpful in balancing my thoughts and body. I'm also starting to eat better, reducing junk foods to minimum amount and increasing my veggie and fruit intake. I'm ensuring the health of my body, soul, and mind while giving them some love and healing. 

trash post

  do i need help?
i should get myself a friend because not talking is killing me.
but then again, no one understands anyone else
is loneliness the price you have to pay for not being misunderstood?

The Earth Spins Around

How can I know that all of this won't end in vain? What is it that I've been craving, a meaningful life? What does that even mean?

Each of us is such a small, weightless flick of dust who feels special, believing we can change the world somehow. But most of us will be forgotten, our lifetimes wasted, our voices unheard. Surely there were many like us before, people who carried and fought for our ideals throughout all the centuries. Yet the world doesn't seem to change. Its evolvement is nothing but heartless invention. We are still of the same mentality, the same hunger, the same urges. We still fight for the same thing.

Priding civilization because we don't know any better. Putting names on everything as if we got it all figured out. Building skyscrapers and see the world through a screen.

Despite the 'peak of humanity', we are still wild inside, aren't we?

And what if it doesn't matter? What if nothing of this will matter? What if all the dream and war and love and life and fear and fight and idea and victory and obsession and possession and hatred and ache and chaos and grief and death won't matter at the end of the day? 

When the day ends, will we matter?