Look behind
The wall I built has gotten too thick,
too big,
too tall
The guard is strong and impenetrable
Spending the last few years inside,
I've grown accustomed to the dark
From a little space I watch people grow,
their lives flash before my eyes
Taking notes, calculating, interpreting
I am a still in their background,
a streak of paint that's not meant to be there,
an off-color no one notices even though it doesn't belong with the rest of the painting
Taking notes, calculating, interpreting
Trying to understand the world,
but staying in my own, the one I created for myself
Trying to understand life,
without having one
You can't fathom the unfathomable
Each a phantom of a soul's mind
Let go, let loose
Step out,
it's time.
Self improvement is important, but at times I can't help feeling like I'm dysfunctional as shit.
The more people talk about it, the more I am certain I am not enough. for you, for life.
“But darling,
why so gloomy? You got a gift very few have – you can be alone in the
dark and never feel lost. You can be your own friend in any roads you take
throughout life. You know great people carved their path that way. You got your own back. I would kill
to have that.”
She stopped for a while, fixing her glare at a space of nothing, “Things like
that come with a price. You crave connections, but it’s hard to create bonds
with people. And it’s killing me because I’m afraid that life will pass,
leaving me alone and unloved – and I don't say it out of dramatization or insecurity, it comes from self observation and genuine worry about being too independent. You have an ocean of empathy and feeling, but
unable to express them to anyone and it’s slicing and inflating my inside at
the same time, leaving me hollow as I grow older. My race is with time. My
kryptonite is holding back. I don’t need
anyone to light the match and guide me – I can do that on my own. But I want to be understood and validated, I
want someone to walk alongside me. And darling, want is a more powerful thing
than need.”
So I've been rereading a bunch of my late posts and I realized that the amount of negativity in this blog is just too much! I'm a relaxed person in real life, but this blog is my catharsis a.k.a. rant box a.k.a. a space for me to channel mind toxicity and frustration.
Anyway, let's take some time to appreciate life, as messy as it is, for there is beauty in every place I lay my eyes on
I'm blessed with good health and good life
The future is open and it holds endless possibilities
There is still enough time to make dreams happen, to connect with people who matter
I am in control of my thoughts, my actions, and my decisions
My growth is progressing, and I hope my conscience mature over time
The short life I have, it may not change the world, but it might mean a lot to those I help and care about
So give thanks to Allah and keep good thoughts of Him.
PS: I'm incorporating yoga into my daily routine. I hope it can stick for a long time. I found the relaxation soothing and helpful in balancing my thoughts and body. I'm also starting to eat better, reducing junk foods to minimum amount and increasing my veggie and fruit intake. I'm ensuring the health of my body, soul, and mind while giving them some love and healing.
do i need help?
i should get myself a friend because not talking is killing me.
but then again, no one understands anyone else
is loneliness the price you have to pay for not being misunderstood?
How can I know that all of this won't end in vain? What is it that I've been craving, a meaningful life? What does that even mean?
Each of us is such a small, weightless flick of dust who feels special, believing we can change the world somehow. But most of us will be forgotten, our lifetimes wasted, our voices unheard. Surely there were many like us before, people who carried and fought for our ideals throughout all the centuries. Yet the world doesn't seem to change. Its evolvement is nothing but heartless invention. We are still of the same mentality, the same hunger, the same urges. We still fight for the same thing.
Priding civilization because we don't know any better. Putting names on everything as if we got it all figured out. Building skyscrapers and see the world through a screen.
Despite the 'peak of humanity', we are still wild inside, aren't we?
And what if it doesn't matter? What if nothing of this will matter? What if all the dream and war and love and life and fear and fight and idea and victory and obsession and possession and hatred and ache and chaos and grief and death won't matter at the end of the day?
It's 3 months past 2016 but here I am. I wanted to post this around December 2016 fyi, but oscar movies always come out at the end of the year, 95% of them released at the same time. And don't get me started on Indonesian cinemas which screening time is messed up (I'm talking about 1-3 months delay on non-box office movies) and half of the movies I wanted to watch didn't even get a screen time. I had to wait for the bluray version to come out in an illegal movie site. I'm disgusting I know.
Soo, just a quick disclaimer. This list will be based on my personal experience and (amateurish) judgement. I made sure I have seen most of the Academy's movies, at least all nominees from the main categories (except documentary and foreign language film. I will tend to that soon).
Here are some honorable mentions (in no particular order):
- Nocturnal Animals
-Kimi No Na Wa
-The Edge of Seventeen
-Elle
And here are some of the movies that I haven't watched yet that might've made this list:
-Silence
-The Light between Oceans
There is a confusion about the release year of two movies that I absolutely loved. Those would be The Lobster (dir. Yorgos Lanthimos) and The Little Prince (dir. Mark Osborne). I personally watched them in the beginning of 2016, rotten tomatoes said it's 2016, but IMDB apparently had a different idea. So, if these counted as 2016 movies, they would definitely be on my top 10, but in order to avoid further confusion, we will leave them out.
TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2016
10. Sing Street //Captain Fantastic
What it's about:
*Sing Street: A coming-of-age boy with his family and school problems in hard economy of 1980 Dublin. He started a band to get a girl he liked. (Directed by John Carney. If you like his other films, Once and Begin Again, you would love this one).
*Captain Fantasic : A big family who lived in the woods abandoning social standards and norms forced to face the "real world" as their mother died.
I'm sorry, I just couldn't choose. It's a tie. Both of these movies are heartwarming and done really really well. They are different of course, but they kinda leave the same taste after a while. They are surprisingly these fun, feel-good, emotional movies that I can see myself rewatching again and again in the future. It's a great movie experience really. If you want some lightweight yet substantial movies to watch on a Saturday night, seek out Sing Street and Captain Fantastic.
9. Hacksaw Ridge
Mel Gibson is back in the game, yo! Hacksaw Ridge is a war biographical movie about Desmond Doss, a soldier who never shot a single person during World War II, but serving the state by saving 75 soldiers' lives. He won the Medal of Honor later in his life because of his bravery and selflessness. Now this ain't Full Metal Jacket or Saving Private Ryan. This movie simply won't be talked about fifty years from now. Hacksaw Ridge had its share of cliche moments and cheesy love story, sure, but it is a solid movie. The young actor, Andrew Garfield is showing his true potential here, which is first-class act, the cinematography is great, the directing is good, the explicit gore added depth and realistic take on the subject.The last half of the movie is touching, sadistic, and it is done with such passion and faith. It introduced us to the war hero, one idealistic man, Desmond Doss.
8. Zootopia
Zootopia is a brave and revolutionary movie breakthrough from Disney. I'm proud of you, Disney! In this movie, we are presented with heavy subjects like race, prejudice, the power of media, and multiple layers of society with a perfect dose that can be absorbed by any age. This movie is human (despite the characters of course(((:) and delivered a great deal of message for its viewers. With suspenseful actions, funny jokes, multiple twists (as predictable as it is), adorable characters, and overall exciting tones, this movie is definitely a strong contender.
ps: I was obsessed with Judy and Nick for weeks! Ship them with all my heart<33333
7. Moana
Disney really went full-power this year. Think Zootopia is the best animation movie of the year? Here's another! While Zootopia had guts, Moana had heart. It is artistically one of the best Disney animation of all time. Well, I was surprised with Moana. It is moving and empowering. The scene where she restored the heart of Te Fiti is sdfuadbjksuwqdba, I'm speechless. Beautiful. The songs are wonderful, the backstory perfect. It teaches young girls things Disney never got right before (and no, that's not entirely that women don't need a prince to save them).
6. I, Daniel Blake
This little British movie that no one talked about. Ah, where do I begin? Remembering this movie made my heart tremble. This is a movie about the welfare system in "developed country", England. We are exposed to suffering poor people and the government system (who promised "prosperity" and who were supposed to ensure the well-being and security of its citizen) as a masquerade for impossible appeals and humiliations. This movie really hit me hard. There is this particular scene which I can't bear and tears just poured right through me without any warning. This movie is powerful, important, deeply moving. It is handled right and not manipulative at all. I, Daniel Blake is a must-see. (Hollywood should learn from this)
5. Hell or High Water
I did not expect to like Hell or High Water this much. Hell or High Water is about two brothers who rob banks throughout Texas for different reasons, but mostly to save the family's ranch. This came out as our usual western crime movie, but I can assure you it's not. It's more about family and life than it is about the suspenseful shootings and robbery. It's deeper than that. Despite being nominated for Best Picture in the Academy, we all know it's got no chance of actually winning. This movie is underrated as hell. The acting is solid, it's not pretentious, the movie is shot beautifully, and I really like the way this movie is delivered. Great script, perfect dialogue and silence. Definitely a well-crafted movie that worth the watch.
4. Manchester by the Sea
A strong, strong drama relied solely on the acting performance, direction, and a great script. Everything in this movie is top-notch. It's about a janitor who lives alone, who had to take care of his nephew in Manchester because his brother (the nephew's dad) just died. It's about their struggles to cope. Pretty simple, right? I walked in to see this with confidence that I know everything about this film. I've never been more wrong. It's not your typical bonding-and-struggling-to-get-along-type of movie. It's different and it's deeply substantial. Casey Affleck delivered one of the best performance I had ever seen. It's quiet, it's heart-wrenching, it's emotionally affecting. Manchester by the Sea is a tale of grief and loss, approach with caution.
3. Lion
Lion got a lot to tell. It told the true story of an Indian boy who accidentally got lost in Calcutta, and after some sequences, was adopted by an Australian couple. When he grew up, he wanted to track his home in India to reconnect with his family. Lion is the one film of the year that I can't get my finger on what it really is that makes me love and love this movie with all my heart. The acting is superb (especially Dev Patel as grown up Saroo, the kid actor who played young Saroo, Nicole Kidman, and Rooney Mara), the cinematography beautiful, the story gripping, sure. But there is this thing which I cannot name that resonated deep within me when I saw this. Nobody cried in the theater but I did multiple times throughout the film. It's not heavy or groundbreaking, but it's soulful, and with perfect story-telling and great dialogue, soulful is enough.
top 2 is hard and they both have their own strength and weakness. the following doesn't imply that one is better than the other, because after i thought thoroughly i still haven't reached any conclusion. that being said, let's just jump into it.
2. Arrival
Arrival is, in a sense, the best movie I've watched this year. It's original, it hasn't been done before, and it's breathtaking. The buildup was perfect and accurate. From Villeneuve, director of Sicario and screenwriter of Hell or High Water, I had high expectation for Arrival. I was not being let down. Arrival is gripping from the start, and by the end it surpassed all my expectation I had for this film. Arrival tells the story of alien invasion on Earth. But instead of being all apocalyptic, the-end-of-the-world-ish, or superheroish Hollywood usually pulled off, this has different approach. The alien invasion was controlled by language approach. How language is the most important aspect of basic communication and how it shapes a way of thinking. How language arguably is the most primal tool we need for evolution. Amy Adams was the backbone of this movie, and the fact that she didn't get Oscar's nomination is beyond me. Arrival is a perfect package; from acting, to cinematography, to the directing, to its soundtrack, to the atmosphere, to filming techniques. There is even a thoughtful and well-made twist at the end of the film. Arrival is an epic and intimate sci-fi with perfect balance of brain and heart.
1. La La Land
I know, I know. "La La Land is overrated as hell."
It's not. It's a great musical movie. Being born in the late 90s, I didn't have my share with legendary musicals. Everybody has a once-in-a-lifetime cinema experience, and for me it is La La Land. La La Land is magical, it caught me from the second it started and hasn't let me go. Damien Chazelle is a genius. The music in this movie is theatrical, grand, and complex. It has the best music score of all the movies I have watched. It's daring, it offers new perspective on love and career. It's unpredictable and it's passionate. La La Land is a modern musical that people will talk about fifty years from now.
