Can anyone shift from having superiority complex to, the opposite, inferiority complex in the span of a year? Writing has always been my choice of catharsis but it never works out long-term for some reason. All those childhood years of keeping daily journal just for it to be teared apart, thrown away and ended up in the backyard bin.
Some ideas appealed to me the moment I was writing – and they were always so fiery and passionate I had to write them down, thinking this is something that the future me would look back to and smile. But no, old writings never evoke anything but cringe; their nature is not of innocence and childlike, but of naivety, ignorance, and deception. My ideas change so much over the years I lose track of who I am and who I've been.
Anyway, I can't stand reading my old blog posts. It feels like they are the writing of a different person, someone I probably hate now. I feel so sick with the sugary sweetness of it, the holier-than-thou attitudes, the victim-playing, the special-snowflake-latency it radiates. I wrote like I am the only good, wise person this world had left when I was literally doing nothing to make the world a slightly better place. I was just kinda floating around oblivious to anyone else. Man, I can't stand the hypocrisy. I am certainly no better than anyone else and I don't have the right to write like that. I'm this close to, as I always have been, throw away everything I've written.
p.s. thinking about those lost journal entries sadden me. i just realized that i let my childhood memories go and i can't have them back. it doesn't matter though. quoting from a beautiful piece of art i love, "all those moments will be lost in time, like tears.. in rain."
