Mind Branches

IV.
Tension
   we know it's there right underneath us -
   it's all we can think about at some point of our lives
   a monster with the ability to wipe all of us out
   yet we pretend there's no such thing
   going about our lives,
   we make noises about everything
   anything
   except that.

III.
New faces, new places, sky with different colors
   I miss blank slates already.

II.
Fear is a bitch
   Everybody is supposed to have a success story
   Why can't I conquer mine?

I.
Admiring you from afar is a new kind of sadness.

Your Cave

What is your choice of self-destruction?
Running until you're collapsed — numb limbs, gasping for breath, struggling to keep a bit of air in your lungs?

Burning your insides with countless packs, waiting till the day it gets you?
Going out to dangerous places alone at night, feeling high and impulsive,
Or is it driving at 100 on highway, your body getting lighter as you float with the wind — for the sole feeling of freedom, of spontaneity, of assurance?

Is it eating as much as you can until there's no room anymore for pain, until you're this close to exploding?

Is it avoiding sunlight, locking yourself in with LCD screen exposure 24/7?
Is it sleeping until you can't take it anymore—looking emptily as the clock ticks by, or is it painting all night for the 3rd time in a row?

Is it staying out late as far from home as possible — drinks in hand, crowds to drown your thoughts?

Is it scratching your skin, sinking your nails deep inside your flesh to move the thoughts away even for just a few seconds?
Is it taking shower with ice cold water, scrubbing away those cells for hours until your whole body is red, irritated, and swollen?

Is it laxatives, is it pills, is it bleach?
Is it dangerous hike and dive in some foreign country?
Is it working for 18 hours a day to avoid some thoughts?

So bare with me,

What is your choice of self-destruction?

siklus self-doubt

ketika kamu (seharusnya) dapet 100 di kuis satu-satunya matkul yg kamu menguasai. lalu iseng ngelirik kiri, kaget karena jawabannya beda semua, ganti 2 jawaban yg ragu, dan berakhir dengan nilai rata-rata.

i dont understand why i let this kind of thing happened to me more than once. why cant you learn from your exact past experience like everyone else goddamnit. congratulations, you deserve a frickin medal to be this spineless, flip-flopping lil piece of shit. enjoy the taste of unfulfillment in your mouth for the rest of the week!