Paint The Town Green

The truth is, I don’t feel belong anywhere. I go from place to place, trying out clubs, go with different kind of people, but nothing feels right. I am kinda dangling in the middle, too neutral to do one thing, let alone the other things. I feel as if the only one I’m comfortable hanging with is myself.

Maybe that’s why I stay in today. I can not bear people, I just wanna be by myself. Some days I walk till the sun almost set, but not today.

I’m sorry my ego speaks more than it should, in time when you need me. But I don’t feel like you do once I’m there. The only thing that counts of me is just the attendance of my head, not the voice of my thoughts.

I just want to go from place to place, not settling.

To Dublin, take me there.

V

These days' reverie

Is it better to be
happy, but wrong
or
right, but unhappy?

I thought I was getting better everyday, leaving my old self and becoming this new version of me. I thought i was going down the right path, because it felt right.

But it's not.

I've been thinking about this lately, and I think I mixed up the definition of right and happiness. Why does this new me feel right? This new me feels right because I'm happier, not because it is right. If anything, I'm getting worse. Once I held high my values and didn't care what it takes to hold tight to them. I was proud of myself, but at the same time, unhappy. I sacrifice my happiness, my life even, for my principles. I was miserable, because it was a hard road I took; alone, misunderstood, against the stream.

Now I don't even recognize myself anymore. I crossed the values which I once believed more than anything. I threw them like they were nothing, like I forgot what I was once fighting so hard for. And for what? For temporary happiness, for 'friends', for acceptance. It felt right not because it is right, but because I'm happier in this state. I don't have to feel like screaming and crying all the time anymore. I enjoy my surroundings and feel love rather than hatred. I'm not as negative as I once was. I feel like I'm finally at peace with myself and with those around me.

Homework for self
Feel good or feel right?
Happiness above values or the other way around?
To walk on the wrong road, or trapped in the right place?

so many questions, looks like tonight would be another sleepless night