Excerpt

Through the chaos and the dark I went on

Staying true despite the fear and the howl

And though surrounded by words we are

Words would mean nothing without perception

If God wills upon us

Through the flashing lights and grey-looking people

I will find my way back to you

Flesh, Feathers, and Fairy Dusts

Amongst all the words in the planet

I think "practical" is the last word that describes me

Practicality is needed in this world in order to survive

It is effective

It is rational

It gives a sense of safety

But I don't want safety 

I don't want "normal life" that everyone around me is chasing so relentlessly

I don't want the rest of my life stuck in an office cubicle after spending years of my life stuck inside the bricks of school, again forced to do things I don't have interest in

I don't want enormous paycheck by doing some meaningless job

I don't want marriage that ends up in separate beds some time down the road

I want a passionate life

I want a sense of wonder that overflows in everything I touch, everything I do

I want internal peace

and serene, healthy environment for me and people around me to grow

I want to read, and think, and finally do things that I want to do

I want to live by my own standards and stand up defending my values

Million times I have been told that I have impossible standards

That I'll never make it in the world with a mind like this

That it's simply not how society and the world function

That I need a certain set of 'practical' skills to survive

And what I think and discover will always matter less than what I'm able to do,

especially if it doesn't produce money

I am so tired of people telling me to be more grounded

Learning practical skills is important-yes, but so is thinking outside the box, being real, inspiring, and full of empathy in a world this numb

I am so tired of people telling me to pursue "realistic" goal

That there are so many ways someone like me can make a whole lot of money

But here's what I want:

I want to study human mind.

I want to be a voluntary doctor, healing those who are sick and lost in wars, or in places that don't have proper healthcare.

I won't have anything else outside those two

I won't bend my dreams, my passion, for wealth and stable life

Please do understand that things I want are different than yours

Because I would rather be alone with contentment than being with the wrong person

Because I would rather die with sparks in my heart than live with emptiness inside me

Because the life I want is spiritual, meaningful, deep, and free 

That refusing to drive, refusing to date, refusing to bow down to the norms are a liberty of mine that should not be judged.

Lentera

"Orang-orang itu telah melupakan bahwa belajar tidaklah melulu untuk mengejar dan membuktikan sesuatu, namun belajar itu sendiri, adalah perayaan dan penghargaan pada diri sendiri.” 

―Padang Bulan, Andrea Hirata

Idealist at Heart

Chaotic/Neutral Good (D&D) View on "Patriotism"

We're not supposed to fully trust and follow authorities without thinking and aligning it with our own values first. Blind obedience toward one's government in the name of "patriotism" has proven to be the root of wars, genocide, and slavery throughout the human history. 

"One has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. We must always remember that morality and humanity goes beyond the law and the government."

"That Girl Has Always Been A Little Off"

Take a moment to realize

that the line between instincts and delusions is so thin

Can we really blame the mental and the mad

the lunatic, the psycho, the schizo, the ones we call nuts?

Feeling crazy is inevitable sometimes

Knowing that we don't make any sense, yet feeling like it's the only explanation

Not knowing whether to trust people or our own unstable mind

And after so many betrayal, isn't it normal to betray people close to us in our thoughts? 

To be suspicious and questioning motives?

Is it instinct? Is it delusion?

Is it a careful and necessary approach? Or illogical, senseless accusation?

Where do we draw the line?

And some things aren't meant to be revealed

even truths can be buried

It's a never-ending quest,

the more we think the deeper the hole

Maybe I'm just a little screwed up in the head after all.

Humanity

Be aware of the world. Be suspicious and guarded. Be careful when it comes to trusting people. Know that this world isn't filled with people like you. There are wolves around trying to ruin your life. Be strong of whatever it is they throw you. For there is unimaginable strength within one's soul.

But whatever it is you've seen, whatever it is you've gone through, stay kind. Be compassionate and open and loving to the rest of the world. This world needs more goodhearted people more than it needs anything else. Being kind in a world this cruel isn't weakness, it is the ultimate sign of bravery. There are so many broken people around us, and we carry within us the power to heal.

I know that we, as human beings, are incredibly complex and layered. I know inside all of us, there are inhuman spirits living, waiting to be awaken. It's humane to have inhuman instincts. This is something so deep inside our flesh that we don't want to admit even to ourselves. This is our demon lurking in the dark. It's hideous but it's there. It may not always show on daily basis, but I'm sure when placed in unusual circumstances; tolerated by many people; or when nobody's watching, it dominates our thinking. This is why wars happen from the beginning of human history until maybe the end of the world.

But inside us there are also souls, and hearts, and empathy. Being kind is a choice, and think of how strong and graceful it is for us to choose kindness and spread love to a world that's been unkind to most. To defeat and suppress our demons. To create instead of destroy. To understand instead of judge people by their behavior, or worse, by things that they don't choose, things that don't define their worth.

People say or do the wrong things to each other all the time, but it is not wise to judge them because of these things. Ask. There are reasons. Forgive.

So for few people who are staying low in the background, supportive and unassuming, always there for others even when others let them down, thank you. I know people don't always appreciate you, I know you feel invisible more often than not. But wherever you are, you matter. You are the backbones of this world. You are strong, not because of your voice or position, but because of your heart big enough to carry everyone, when most hearts can only carry theirs alone. Please don't give up on your battle, and I hope you find happiness in life.