A Half-Hearted Recap of 2019

2019 has been one heck of a year. Maybe some of my lurkers here (lol, like i have any) noticed that I haven’t posted anything new in almost two years. It’s not that I didn’t write anything... I still do regularly to make sense of this rollercoaster ride. I’m conscious enough to not post anything though because it is personal and not exactly PG.

So yeah... 2019. In my head I came out from all this so tired and defeated by life. 

I can’t exactly showcase my highlights of experiences or achievements because they’re not tangible. As always, most of it resided in my head but trust me when I say it is a battle. 2019 is also the year I started my new decade in life, swinging 20s, and oh my god has it been a crazy opening. I underwent a lot of transitions, I see the world through different sets of lenses, I had first tastes of a lot of things. Do I miss my old self? I’d be lying if I say I don’t, I feel like in some areas of life I’ve regressed and I'd kill to have that back. On the other hand I still feel stuck in time, as if no matter what I try I can’t outgrow my habits, I can’t improve my weaknesses and failings. So yeah, let’s just say I still have a lot to work on:-) For the most parts tho, I do think I am more seasoned in thinking and feeling as a product of new exposures. I just don’t know how it could benefit me from a practical standpoint. If anything it makes me more flimsy and bitter... But at least there’s liberation that I’m forever grateful for.

Unfortunately I have to admit I am not able to find some kind of silver-lining, earth-shattering revelation about this year’s journey that's worthy of sharing to the 'gram:)) I am barely making it out alive and I’m still trying.

I’m trying.

Yellow Brick Road

And it was on this quiet starless night that the sadness finally dawned on me
It was the sadness of what could have been
Of all the almost but not quite
It was a family line of obsession with perfection
And conditional love that runs deep
It was all the unfulfilled dreams and lost ideals
Of surface happiness,
of the comfort from settling with what is certain,
of compromises and unkept promises
It was a paradox going all at once:
the growing awareness that I am truly alone,
and the irrepressible notion of a weightless existence
Oh, the bittersweet pain of restless fighting in the face of things that almost destroy me


—I think growing up means small pains after another inflicted by the realization that real life is everything but your idealization.

Her: A Portrayal of Connection, Attraction, and Human Condition in the Modern World

“Her” adalah satu dari sedikit film yang memiliki tempat spesial di hati saya – sebuah karya seni bergenre science-fiction dan romance yang sangat lembut dan jujur dalam penuturannya. Menurut saya, “Her” adalah film yang mendekati sempurna dalam segala aspeknya. Dari segi teknis, “Her” menggarap lighting, grading, dan desain produksi secara efisien dengan memberikan atmosfer hangat dan familiar. Hal ini didukung juga oleh arahan dari Spike Jonze, sinematografi yang indah, penulisan naskah dan dialog yang pintar namun tetap terasa nyata, akting yang luar biasa dari Joaquin Phoenix, serta musik dan scoring yang membangun suasana emosi tanpa memanipulasi penonton. Hasilnya adalah sebuah story-telling yang brilian dan pengalaman sinematik yang tak terlupakan. Pada dasarnya, “Her” adalah sebuah kisah cinta antara manusia dan Artificial Intelligence (AI) dengan setting futuristik. Namun tidak seperti film bergenre sci-fi lainnya yang menggunakan fokus utama teknologi dan CGI sebagai world-building (sehingga film terkesan dingin dan asing), “Her” menawarkan masa depan dan teknologi hanya sebagai latar yang masuk akal dan familiar. “Her” berfokus pada ideas sebagai material utamanya – bermain dengan ide-ide eksistensial dan filosofis yang mungkin muncul di titik-titik tertentu dalam kehidupan manusia. “Her” mengajukan banyak sekali pertanyaan mengenai tempat manusia di alam semesta, arah pergerakan masyarakat kita, arti menjadi seorang manusia, arti mencintai seseorang, dan makna yang diberikan cinta bagi kehidupan manusia. Film ini juga mengimplikasikan pertanyaan-pertanyaan lain, seperti: Apa yang membuat kehidupan manusia nyata? Manusia berpikir, merasakan sesuatu, dan berperilaku berdasarkan sirkuit otak tertentu, sama halnya dengan AI yang berperilaku sesuai pemrogramannya. Jadi apakah emosi kita nyata, atau hanya hasil dari pemrograman seperti halnya AI? Apa yang membuat sebuah hubungan nyata? Apa sebenarnya arti mencintai seseorang dan apa yang diberikan cinta bagi kehidupan? Apakah kapasitas untuk mencintai cukup untuk membuat seseorang hidup? Apakah bentuk cinta AI, dalam film ini Samantha, superfisial dan terprogram, atau merupakan kapasitas cinta tertinggi yang transendental dan belum bisa dicapai manusia? Film ini menantang kita untuk melihat diri dan dunia dengan cara yang berbeda.

Isu eksistensial yang tidak dapat dipisahkan dari pikiran manusia dalam berbagai zaman adalah pertanyaan mengenai tujuan dan makna kehidupan manusia. Dalam “Her”, hal ini merupakan sebuah pertanyaan utama bagi protagonis kita, Theodore. Sejak awal, Theodore ditunjukkan sebagai seseorang yang melankolis, pasif, dan terisolasi dari interaksi manusia. Theodore tidak sepenuhnya hidup dalam dunia dan memilih untuk memenuhi kebutuhan sosialnya melalui ruang virtual. Tanpa adanya hubungan yang dianggap berarti, Theodore mulai mempertanyakan eksistensinya karena ia menyadari bahwa tujuan dan makna hidup manusia adalah untuk mencintai. Pergulatan internal Theodore bisa disimpulkan dari teknik filming yang memotret Theodore sebagai satu-satunya objek dalam frame, penggunaan blur yang memisahkan Theodore dari lingkungannya, dan saliensi penampilan Theodore dari orang-orang di sekitarnya. Ketidakbermaknaan hidup yang dirasakannya ini disebabkan oleh hubungannya yang retak dengan istrinya. Selama film berjalan, terdapat banyak flashback yang menggambarkan pikiran Theodore yang terjebak dalam hubungan yang telah usai dengan orang yang dicintainya. Satu-satunya hal yang memberikan makna bagi hidupnya adalah hubungan tersebut, yang walaupun telah hancur tetap ia pertahankan untuk terus hidup (dengan menunda menandatangani berkas perceraian).  Hal tersebut berubah ketika ia bertemu dengan Samantha, Operating System (OS) yang dirancang untuk menjadi asisten pribadi yang sesuai dengan kepribadian dan preferensi Theodore. Theodore jatuh cinta pada Samantha, dan terbentuklah sebuah hubungan yang berarti bagi keduanya. Theodore mulai hidup sepenuhnya dan merasakan lagi kebahagiaan. Theodore puas akan hubungannya yang dalam dan nyata dengan Samantha. Segala keterbatasan fisik mereka atasi dengan mengembangkan strategi agar dapat merasa bersatu walaupun berbeda dimensi. Titik ini merupakan momen yang nyaman bagi Theodore, karena dengan adanya hubungan, ia dapat memvalidasi kembali eksistensi dirinya. Setelah beberapa lama, Theodore mulai mempertanyakan kodrat dari hubungan mereka. Samantha dan Theodore merasakan adanya konflik internal yang berakar dari tidak adanya koneksi fisik yang nyata. Theodore masih mendapati dirinya berkelut dengan cintanya di masa lalu (ditunjukkan melalui flashback) yang menandakan keinginan Theodore akan hubungan manusia. Samantha berusaha memecahkan konflik ini dengan mewujudkan dirinya di dunia fisik melalui raga orang lain, tetapi hal ini tidak berhasil karena Theodore semakin merasakan kepalsuan dari hubungan mereka. Hubungan Samantha dan Theodore berakhir ketika Samantha, sebagai AI yang memiliki kapasitas jauh lebih besar daripada manusia, berevolusi dengan cepat dan mengembangkan konsep cinta yang sangat jauh berbeda dari manusia. Theodore mengalami kesulitan dalam menerima hal ini dan jarak yang ada antara Theodore dan Samantha semakin besar. Di sini, pertanyaan mengenai ketulusan cinta Samantha terhadap Theodore diimplikasikan kepada penonton, namun pada akhirnya, hal tersebut tidaklah penting. Hal yang terpenting adalah Theodore membuktikan kapasitasnya untuk mencintai seseorang yang baru dan merasakan beragam emosi yang tidak ia prediksi sebelumnya. Theodore juga mendapatkan insight untuk mengevaluasi kembali hubungannya dengan dirinya, Samantha, dan Catherine. Insight ini diperoleh dengan bantuan Amy yang dengan bijak mengatakan:
            “I can overthink everything and find a million ways to doubt myself… And I’ve just come to realize that we’re only here briefly. And while I’m here, I want to allow myself… joy.”

            Dalam “Her”, masa depan digambarkan dengan teknologi sebagai alat yang menguntungkan dan menghubungkan manusia, tetapi juga memecah dan mengisolasi individu dari dunianya (selama film berlangsung, diperlihatkan keadaan manusia yang semakin individualistis dan membangun hubungan erat dengan teknologi). Meski begitu, manusia masih memiliki keinginan akan hubungan yang dalam dan tulus dengan orang lain. Tidak bisa dipungkiri bahwa interaksi dan membuka diri adalah proses yang menantang dan sulit bagi semua orang. Perkembangan teknologi membuat kita bertahan dalam zona nyaman dan memisahkan diri, memilih untuk melibatkan diri dan berinteraksi dalam ruang metafisik. Hal ini tentu saja futile karena manusia bukanlah makhluk metafisik, kita tidak dapat menembus dimensi-dimensi linear seperti waktu dan tempat, dan kita tidak dapat melarikan diri dari kematian. Adanya realisasi terhadap hal ini menyebabkan manusia, meskipun berkecenderungan untuk bertahan dalam zona nyaman, tidak dapat berhenti mencari tujuan hidup dan memiliki keinginan untuk benar-benar hidup. Seperti kebanyakan dari kita, Theodore sangat terserap dalam ide hubungan romantis sebagai satu-satunya jawaban untuk mendapatkan tujuan dan makna hidup hingga ia melupakan aspek lain dalam hidupnya. Pada akhirnya, Theodore berhasil menemukan tujuan hidup dalam dirinya bahkan ketika tidak ada yang mencintainya, karena ia mulai menghargai nilai-nilai hubungan non-romantis dan menemukan dirinya. Ia belajar untuk melepaskan masa lalu, tidak lagi terikat dengan mencintai Catherine atau Samantha sebagai satu-satunya jalan mendapatkan tujuan hidup. Makna hidupnya kembali ketika ia mendapatkan dan mewujudkan aspirasi sebagai penulis dan menghargai betapa indah hubungan pertemanannya dengan orang-orang dalam hidupnya, terutama Amy.

             Pada akhirnya, kesalahan terbesar Theodore bukanlah membiarkan dirinya jatuh cinta kepada makhluk artifisial, bukan juga menyerah pada rintangan cintanya dengan Catherine. Kesalahan terbesar Theodore adalah kegagalannya dalam menyadari bahwa kesepian adalah pengalaman bersama manusia. Theodore terjebak dalam romantisasi masa lalu hingga melupakan bahwa kesepian adalah bagian dari kehidupan. Character arc Theodore didapat ketika pada akhir film ia sadar bahwa mencintai memang sebuah proses yang sulit, tetapi cinta harus diperjuangkan ketika kita merasakannya. Namun hal ini juga tidak bisa dilepaskan dari realisasi lain yang sama pentingnya: bahwa kita tidak bisa menjadikan sesuatu yang sangat rapuh seperti cinta sebagai satu-satunya penentu harga diri dan makna kehidupan.

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This is written for an assignment in my social psychology class, but I did put a lot of work and thought into this because Her is a meaningful film for me, and I wanted to do this film justice by writing a serious review. Initially, this review was twice as long as it is now, but I had to cut out a lot of parts to not exceed the maximum limit of page allowed (this is still twice as long as it should be but I managed to cram it into two pages of size 11, single-spaced, narrowest margin possible format). For this post, I cut out mandatory explanations of social psychology theories, so this is my pure take on the film itself.

A Personal List of Top 10 2017 Movies

(Pardon my annoying Holden Caulfield-esque opening here I swear I have a point to make) 
Film is one of my few deep interests. It is my ultimate choice of art form. Yes, I see film as an art form, not an entertainment. Like any art, it is meant to be pondered, to be appreciated, to be felt in all its vagueness, to be a mirror, a teacher, or merely an experience. Art doesn’t have to be nice, it doesn’t have to be beautiful and understood perfectly; it’s supposed to unleash madness and make you feel something. Film doesn’t have the obligation to give you pleasure and good time, it doesn’t have to deliver moral messages to its audiences, its job is not to satisfy people and provide answers. If there is one thing film has to do: It has to make you feel and question something. With that in mind, I avoid most blockbusters (yes, I’m generalizing here) because they are devoid of meaning. They go against everything that I stand for in films and most of the time they are made to reap off a ton of profit (and kill brain cells). I share an appeal toward films that are original, unconventional, and don’t have general consensus about whether they're good or bad. And yes, I'm also starting to steer away from those politically-correct, award season movies that are just made to satisfy critics and score awards. Those movies are basically the same, recycled ideas with good old packaging and strong performances (probably starring Merryl Streep) but are seriously lacking in passion. While they don’t kill any brain cells (thankfully), they are usually as plain as vanilla and very preachy about moral values. I’d probably forget about it in 2 months. I think good films leave marks. Even if I forget about the details or storylines, I will never forget about the way watching it for the first time makes me feel, which prompts me to experience it all over again.

2017 has been a stellar year for film. I got to see a lot of films and fell in love with many of them, I felt things I didn't know I was capable of. This review came in early May of 2018 because I didn't have the time to sit down and write this post. And like last year, I made sure I watched all Oscars and Golden Globes major categories' nominees, and a few foreigns. I haven't got the chance to watch Lebanon's The Insult though as I couldn't get a hold of it, which sucks because I am very drawn to the premise of it (there is something about middle eastern foreign movies in particular that is so different from western flicks and foreigns. as someone who grew up in a collectivist culture, seeing this kind of society being captured on the big screen is comforting at times, mirroring how familiar it is for me).

Honorable mentions:

-Loveless

-A Ghost Story

-I, Tonya

-Gerald's Game

-The Disaster Artist

-Coco

-War for The Planet of the Apes

-Good Time

-The Killing of A Sacred Deer

Best Films of 2017

10. The Florida Project

A story of innocence and the death of it. The Florida Project gives an opportunity for its viewers to experience the world from children's and underrepresented people's point of view and god, it's funny and beautiful and heartwrenching at the same time. This is my first Sean Baker's movie and from now on I'd definitely keep an eye out for his upcoming films. Everything about this is so human and magical. A story about the less-fortunate that I think is very honest in portrayal, without any manipulation and forced sentimentality. It's a shame that this movie is very underlooked especially in award events, considering it was handled really well and had stellar casts. Sean Baker cast one of the leads through instagram (Bria Vinaite) and she suited this movie so much, proving that she is just as good if not better than a lot of famous Hollywood actresses. The kids also surprisingly acted really well, Brooklynn Prince in particular is crazy gifted (when she cried i swear i got chills and a lump in my throat). Willem Dafoe delivered a lifetime performance in this movie. The Florida Project is a beautiful love letter and celebration to life made with passion and empathy.

9. Get Out

A revolutionary horror story with an original premise. I'm happy that more and more horror movies are breaking free from the known horror trope and cliches, and that they started to gain recognition in award events. How fed up are you of drama or biopic social commentary? Get Out offers a social subject of racism in the unique light of neo-horror. It has the most original script I've seen in a long time, with a compelling story that will draw your attention and never let it go. Another aspect that really stands up for me is the acting. I got a lot of chills from all the characters' performances, they creeps up on you and you can sense that something is off from the way they behave. This movie also has a lot of subtle hints and hidden meaning which makes it fun to discuss afterwards. There are a few moments that don't add up but the majority of the film, attention to details, subtle metaphors, and tense atmosphere definitely make up for them. Get Out certainly deserves all the love and hype it got. I think it would be an iconic film in the future.

8. Phantom Thread

A twisted love story. Paul Thomas Anderson's way of doing a romance genre (I've wondered about this in the past) and it doesn't disappoint at all. This film shows the craziest power dynamic in a relationship and raises a lot of questions about what is right and what is wrong in a relationship, the thin and blurred line between the two for a few people that are different from the majority of people. It's about the context of destructive relationship; if it generates happiness and ease for the people involved, is it okay? This is Daniel Day Lewis's final performance and I'd be missing him and PTA working together. Greenwood's well-crafted music score also shines through in Phantom Thread, building hauntingly beautiful atmosphere as the relationship progresses. I do think this movie is a bit too long though.

Press play on this beautiful soundtrack: 

7. Dunkirk

(taken from my letterboxd review) This is not just another war movie. I think Dunkirk is the realest interpretation of war ever to be adapted on the big screen. One setback is the lack of character development that might disconnect the movie as a whole to the viewers, but that's to be expected when you try to recreate an event in war while capturing the authentic atmosphere of being in it. 

Told from 3 perspectives with nonlinear timeline, Dunkirk is pretty straightforward and simple in narration, but a very complex one at everything else. The most impressive aspect I noticed right away was the crazy sound editing and scoring by Hans Zimmer that definitely built intensity and depth to the scenes. Cinematography, directing, and screenplay is also top-notch with little to none dialog, yet every message is perfectly delivered.

Dunkirk is not a character study, it doesn't have relatable or sympathetic characters because we don't hear about any of the character's past or thought process throughout the film. It is an honest portrayal of war, of people fighting to survive. In real war, you wouldn't sit and talk to each other about your pasts, people you left behind, and your 'feelings'. In real war, you'd fight to save yourself. You would be so worked up on staying alive that you don't have time to think about anything else. In war movies, some characters are obviously more important to viewers than others. Dunkirk is trying to portray that in real war, all lives are equally important and meaningless at the same time because each individual becomes a statistic, a number. That's the brutality of war. By any chance, you can be the first to die or the last man standing regardless of who you are. 

If you seek a war film that stands out by offering a new perspective and telling the accurate descriptions of being in a war, Dunkirk is your best bet.

6. The Shape of Water

An adult fairy tale. The Shape of Water is a comforting film that contrasts the beauty and evil of the world. I can resemble some similarities with Del Toro's previous work, Pan's Labyrinth, which is one of my personal favorites of all time. Although I still prefer Pan's Labyrinth, The Shape of Water is definitely one of the most beautiful films in 2017. I know that a lot of people despise this film, but the moment I laid my eyes on this, I was instantly absorbed by the story, the characters, and the world building. I love the grading color this film has, it definitely creates a surreal, otherworldly atmosphere. The music use is also effective. Here, Del Toro created an underexplored tale about outsiders, about people who feel like they don't belong in the world they live in (metaphor: fish out of water). There are a lot of unpredictable characters, as it tries to challenge the notion of individuality in the face of a system it is a part of. The transcendental love as portrayed in this film might seems unrealistic, but you could tell that Del Toro was promoting the idea of love being shapeless, it comes in many forms that're often incomprehensible. The Shape of Water without a doubt has a very weird premise but kudos to the casts and crews for turning it into a beautiful and pure poetry about love.

5. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

A roller coaster story about loss and anger. Three Billboards is a drama that's really wild and unpredictable. I went into this film and instinctively guessed what would happen after each scenes, wading from my knowledge and experiences in drama movies, but I was proven wrong each time. This movie took turns and twists that surprisingly worked and went together so well, creating an ecstatic experience of cinema that I didn't think I could feel anymore after watching a lot of same old, meh films. It's cathartic, emotional, and darkly humorous at the same time. It also has one of the best character arcs I've seen. The characters' portrayals are done so well, all of them have human flaws, strengths, and developments that felt unflinchingly real. There are no good and bad people in this film. Just like us, the characters are humans who do both good things and bad things trying their best to survive, protect, and make the most out of life. All the performances are excellent, the script is fresh and real, the score suits the film's tone perfectly. Three Billboards is a masterful film with substance, emotional delivery, and implicit values without sob story, over-the-top-dialogue, and moral preaching.

4. It Comes At Night

A dark, end-of the-world horror that will catch you off-guard. I didn't expect to like this film. In fact I put it off for so long because of the mixed reviews this film is getting. I am very glad that I gave this film a watch before discarding it because it is honestly one of the best horror films I have ever watched. Even the thought of this film makes me shudder right now. It has a very bleak and dark tone that evoked a visceral response from me (something that I don't get very often). The whole run time felt claustrophobic, paranoid, and downright scary. The film also uses changing aspect ratio which I personally don't really get the intention behind. It is open for interpretation, but not annoyingly so. I couldn't stop reading theories and interpretations from film forums and threads for hours afterwards because it was so fun and chilling. It's one of a few films that never ceased to fascinate and intrigue me. Now I know that this film got a lot of backlash due to its false advertising (advertised as a monster film when it's really a psychological thriller/horror), so it's best to avoid trailers to further build your expectation. I went into this movie blind without knowing anything and it blew my mind away! 

3. Call Me by Your Name

The best memory of youth and finding someone special played before your eyes. This is the gentlest love story of the year. Everything about it feels nostalgic, and I can't help but long to connect to someone like Elio connected to Oliver. There is something so melancholic and beautiful about the relationships Elio shared with the people around him. And it was refreshing for once to see a homosexual relationship in a movie that doesn't focus on the whole what a tragedy or hardship it is, how society responds, blah blah. The love story is very subtle and it's portrayed as the blooming and withering of any relationship between two people that are able to share something beautiful for a given time. To take it further, that relationship is not even the point. The point is that the time spent with someone special (regardless of who they are and what label the relationship has), is a magical once-in-a-lifetime experience in itself, precious and worthy even if it doesn't last (as delivered in one of the best emotional monologue ever by Michael Stuhlbarg). This film is not for everyone. But if like me, your preference of romance genre gravitates toward quiet, soft, and honest telling of rare connection and internal struggles (think Her, Lost in Translation, and Before Trilogy) instead of movies that focus mainly on relationship status or conflicts, I think you will fall in love with the simplicity of this film. This film feels like a summer memory of my own, distant but real, glorious, and warm. Call Me by Your Name is the most tender and pure film of 2017 that definitely earned a special place in my heart.

This film's soundtrack is also killer and captures the essence of the movie really well. Check it out:

2. Wind River

A brutal and raw storytelling that hit me like a truck. Wind River is not a film I watchlisted, I came across it and decided to watch it on a whim. It turned out to be one of the best film I watched in a long time. Boy this is the only film I sobbed to this year. There are some movies in this list that I shed a few tears to, but I was uncontrollably weeping all over the place for this film. It was emotional, subtle, and everything about this movie broke my heart to pieces. Wind River is Taylor Sheridan's directorial debut (the guy who wrote 2016 Hell or High Water and 2015 Sicario) and I'm definitely down for everything he writes and directs from now on. You can sense a common theme about his work, but the way they were written is near flawless in my opinion. He adopted minimal exposition approach and I absolutely dig it. Wind River is filled with intense moments, touching performances, hard-hitting but not over-the-top dialogues, effective use of silence, character-driven narratives, and an overall excellent screenplay and direction. One thing to note about Sheridan's work is that the locations and environments in all of his films seem to be alive and say a lot of things through silence, almost like a standalone character that both witnesses and shapes the people in it. Set on an Indian reservation in the harsh snowy climate of Wyoming, this movie will take you along an emotional journey of loss, revenge, and isolation.

1. Blade Runner 2049

One of the best science-fiction ever made that will pass the test of time. Denis Villeneuve did it again with a 35-years sequel to a sci-fi classic, Blade Runner. I am glad I caught this in a local cinema because it was a transcendental cinematic experience for me last year. It is perfect on every level, and I honestly felt like the almost-3-hours run time flew by. I couldn't stop thinking about this film a few weeks after that first magical viewing, I caught myself constantly looking back and pondering on this film whenever I zoned out. After I got a hold of the bluray, I watched it for the second time and I was, again, mesmerized. Like its predecessor, Blade Runner 2049 is a sci-fi that relies on ideas as world-building instead of technologies and CGI. It also raises a lot of philosophical questions about humanity. In my opinion, BR 2049 executed these ideas in a better and more complex way than Blade Runner did. There is also a little twist slipped at the heart of the movie and the execution is very well done. Roger Deakins' cinematography and Hans Zimmer's score added depth to the story and aided tension, character, and world building effectively. Ryan Gosling continues to surprise me, he kept picking awesome (but often criminally underrated) projects for his career which is a bold choice but also a blessing to us cinephiles. Everything about this movie works, from Vileneuve's direction (I think he's the best director working today, delivering groundbreaking film after another in recent years) to strong performances, terrific screenplay, superb score, and breathtaking cinematography. Blade Runner 2049 is a visually stunning and thought provoking masterpiece that continues the legacy of its predecessor, but also stands on its own as a brilliant modern classic.

One of the soundtrack:

And for you guys who have seen the film, please check out the best analysis ever made for this film (or any film for that matter) I've come across so far. It's as beautiful as the film itself and I could see how much work is being put into the video. I have to admit that this made me cry and feel understood in a way I've never been before. It seriously deepens my appreciation for Blade Runner 2049 as well. Here it goes:

Lost in Translation

And at last, it was the human language that finally pushed her through the edge. How restricting it is — the result of years of evolution, but something about it can never be mastered. How tragic is it that language is all we got but it manages to be a fragile, vague thing? It's impossible to convey your thoughts and feelings wholly without something big missing in the chunks of speech and writing. There are thoughts too deep, too personal, too intense to be put into words, and reducing them to surface value can never feel justified. It's scary how those thoughts and feelings that used to be yours only —  pure, defining, close to your core — will be gone, reduced to the point where they become no more than a sentence once they translated into language. And to other people, they are not your exact replica of pure thoughts and feelings anymore. They are out of your control, not the slightest bit yours. They become the product of others' interpretation and thought process, all twisted and bent to fit what each knows and sees about the world.
And so it became hard for her to say anything that mattered, because it would not be hers anymore. It would come down to a single judgement and label at the end, with no one really feels and thinks these thoughts in their purest form, the way she did. And maybe it is the quintessence of all lives, to never really be understood, but it is not okay for her— not for the time being at least. So she kept it all inside, bruising, but never bleed.

life: to ponder upon it is the last resort

(i wrote each of this at totally different times and mindsets so there is no continuity and relation between each one. they revolve around more or less the same theme, but i was trying to convey different substances and pieces of mind)


I
I guess it's agreed upon that looking back at life gives you a content feeling of self. Look at the time you succeed, the time of pure joy. The hard work and the payoff. I used to agree with that; looking back, I could see the things I have gone through to be here, and there was pride, there was contentment. But now there is an itch on the top of my head- I started to question how much of it I actually did enjoy. What is my life, if not a series of endurance, perseverance in the face of failure and humiliation. I've overcome a lot of things, a lot of hard time. I was, by some miracle, able to get by, able to do what I had to do. I kept pushing my limit, defeating my fear. I guess that is, in itself, an 'achievement'. "You can do it," I say, "You've done it and you can do it again." Yes, I probably will be able to push through life. I can't help but ask though, what if that is all? A life that is fought so hard to be kept, to the point where all joy, all love, all passion is stripped away to be just that- to survive?


II
It was a painful life. Living in the moment just to dread the future and curse the past. Everything has always felt like a personal attack- every silence, every remark. You thought that you'd grow out of it. So you sought a new start, and run for the promise of a new life the second there is a chance. And you tried, for the love of life I tried to build something worthy. But no matter how far I go, I can't run from myself. It's always there with me, pulling me down, restraining me from living a proper life.
It was a painful life. And an incredibly long one. A purposeless life wasted on trivial things; it's getting harder to breathe when you can't help but ask, "What is the point of it all?"
Again, I feel like crying all the time. It was kindergarten, middle school, high school all over again. I keep finding myself at the same place. Despite all efforts, I haven't really changed, I just got better at hiding and toning down emotions.
I'm torn between wanting to freeze time and wanting it all to end.


III
I know that I am nobody (and I say this non-metaphorically, non-emotionally). Calm-headedly, I have come to term that I am nobody, and so is everyone. Strip human beings of their self inflation and grandiosity and you'll see that we're just.. species, numbers, don't matter. That realization alone is paralyzing, but I have made peace with that. Meanings are not created by how important you are. They are created by how important you see things around. A meaningful life is not impossible even if you've realized the hard truth of how insignificant you are and how insignificant you will ever be. Meaning is tethered to purpose; something, someone, to look forward to. I don't have that and I'm afraid that I won't ever have that. I dread the future even more than I dread my past, because I have reasons, many of them, to conclude that I am unfit for this world. That being an adult is not something I look forward to. Whatever bits left of self-worth I have today, will be gone, shattered by the time adult life begins. For now, I can crawl with life, but I'm not sure I will be able to sleep with it in future time.

Expanding

Can anyone shift from having superiority complex to, the opposite, inferiority complex in the span of a year? Writing has always been my choice of catharsis but it never works out long-term for some reason. All those childhood years of keeping daily journal just for it to be teared apart, thrown away and ended up in the backyard bin.
Some ideas appealed to me the moment I was writing – and they were always so fiery and passionate I had to write them down, thinking this is something that the future me would look back to and smile. But no, old writings never evoke anything but cringe; their nature is not of innocence and childlike, but of naivety, ignorance, and deception. My ideas change so much over the years I lose track of who I am and who I've been.
Anyway, I can't stand reading my old blog posts. It feels like they are the writing of a different person, someone I probably hate now. I feel so sick with the sugary sweetness of it, the holier-than-thou attitudes, the victim-playing, the special-snowflake-latency it radiates. I wrote like I am the only good, wise person this world had left when I was literally doing nothing to make the world a slightly better place. I was just kinda floating around oblivious to anyone else. Man, I can't stand the hypocrisy. I am certainly no better than anyone else and I don't have the right to write like that. I'm this close to, as I always have been, throw away everything I've written.


p.s. thinking about those lost journal entries sadden me. i just realized that i let my childhood memories go and i can't have them back. it doesn't matter though. quoting from a beautiful piece of art i love, "all those moments will be lost in time, like tears.. in rain."